Craigslist Personal Ad Test

On Saturday night, I went over to Ben’s house and Plato joined us there for some drinks. While we were sitting around BSing, we came up with a fun idea: post a ridiculous Craigslist ad and see what kind of responses we would get. We decided to just post that our man had made a silly amount of money and see how many gold diggers we could collect. Unfortunately, I forgot to include a request for pictures and more information about the person. The ad is below:

I made $472,920 last year. Interested? – 29 (Seattle)

Yeah, title pretty much says it all. Check out my art below.

Joel’s comedic Craigslist ad

I included the generic picture, claiming it as my “art”, because I needed to have a photo so people would click on the ad.

Below are the responses that we received:

Brenda:

Hello, Nice art work! Is that a photograph?

Yes, BBW Brenda, it is. I drew it with charcoal, can’t you tell?

Clara:

That is not very interesting at all. Chances are you should give yourself and the rest of humanity more credit.
Just thinking,
Clara

Thanks for the advice, Clara. Why did you respond if it isn’t interesting? Perhaps you want me to show you how interesting I am? What if I told you I made my money selling people as slaves and you are my next target? That’s entertaining.

Phoebe:

Soooooo you’re looking for a gold digger? Is that what men want in women now?

Yes.

Heidi:

Are you going to buy me another house, a car, and a tennis bracelet?? SWEET you are the best CL post EVER! 😉

You selected the worst font in history and should be put to death for it immediately.

Candy:

what r u looking 4?

Why you, of course, my dear sweet Candy.

RaspberryPink:

Great picture!

Keep it up!

Thanks. WIll do.

Beth:

yeah right, and my fathers the pope,,

nice painting.. did you really paint that????

have a great day.. I just had to respond, I have been laughing sooooooo hard at some of these ads , they are wayyyyyyyyyyyyy tooo funny

Wow, you sound partially normal.

Rachel:

Who gives a shit. Your right the title pretty much says it all.

Haha. Why do you bother replying if it’s so silly?

Michelle:

is that a photograph? didi you take it?

Once again, no it is not. I am an armless midget and put the utensil between my teeth do to my artworks. Why don’t you do me a favor and fall off a tall building?

Tereasa:

So, I thought your headline jokes were hilarious. =)

Here is a little about myself:

-Brown hair, brown eyes
-Current student studying psychology
-Loves animals
-Non smoker, non drinker, non drug user
-Values family
-Enjoys the small things in life
-Loves to watch movies
-Cuddle addict
-Loves to laugh
-Likes children (doesn’t have any)
-Will be 20 next month

And if you are interested, my name is Teresa.

Hmmm…. cuddle addict = sex addict. We may have to reply to this one.

Mpink:
Maybe you should be wary of anyone who is interested in you because of how much money you make. Your art is beautiful –really. Not to sound like a big sister or anything–but I am 39 years old and this is my treehouse(ha ha) please be careful

I am peeing my pants. An awkward wet spot I won’t be able to explain at work.
Craigslist is an endless source of entertainment for people who get bored. Try it sometime!

New, Final Chapter of the Bible’s Book of Revelations Found! Accompanying analysis by world’s foremost religious scholars

Disclaimer: Post meant to poke fun, not offend. Crude humor involved.

The lost chapter of Revelations, Chapter 23, foretold of the the coming onslaught:

Revelations 23:1 In the Revelation passed onto me by the Lord I saw the tall man coming up out of the earth and he had two followers;a small, kindly box that chirped and hummed like a songbird alongside a gargantuan beast with legs like tree trunks, a chest larger than that of an ox, eyes of flame and an unsurpassed manhood.

23:2 I witnessed the small one sparkle like the stars and point skinny antennae at the man to guide him onto the wise path.

23:3 However, the unstoppable beast would sometimes stop and grab the square one and with a mighty heave hurl him over the cliff’s edge. At these times, the man would find the beast pushing and whipping him onto paths the righteous do not follow.

23:4 The man would wallow his way blindly through the ravines of darkness and wallow through the blood orgies. The man would find himself participant and observer of brutal gladitorial contests.

23:5 I foresaw the beast lead the man into the pit of womanhood and from thence poured out endless legions of darkness. Armies of uncountable numbers and horror rushed forth, beheading the tall man and destroying the beast. When I came close to the armies, I saw they were made up of innumerable tall men, each with two followers; one boxy and kindly, one a gargantuan beast…

Bible Lesson:

Extensive research into this final, surprising book of Revelations has been performed by our crack team of the world’s foremost Biblical Scholars:

Ted Haggard: Listed by Time magazine as one of the top 25 most influential evangelicals in America, head of the 30-million strong National Association of Evangelicals and #7 most evil man in America. Recently faced disgrace for doing meth and having butt sex with male prostitutes.

Jim Bakker: Helped Pat Robertson found the televangelist industry, the 700 club and megachurch pastor. At his peak, he brought in a million dollars a week from gullible religious viewers to help fund his Christian theme park and television network. Fired in 1989 for public sex scandals and massive accounting fraud. He paid himself and his wife each annual salaries of $200,000 and gave himself $4 million in bonuses so he could continue the Lord’s Good Works on earth.

Pat Robertson: One of the top religious leaders in America alongside the Rev Billy Graham and the highly respected Al Sharpton. Also sells a “magical” protein shake on the side that he claims gave his 76 year old body the ability to leg press 2000 pounds. Truly, God is with him, seeing as the all-time Florida State leg press record was 1335 pounds done by a 23 year old, 300 pound lineman in the prime of his life on a specially fitted leg press machine. He is also the nation’s #3 cable operator, behind Ted Turner and HBO after he took his religious channel public and sold it for $1.9 billion to Fox.

ANALYSIS:

“Our combined years of experience and direct communications line with God Himself has revealed to us EVERYTHING you need to know about this SHOCKING new chapter and we are here to share it DIRECTLY with YOU! All for the low, low price of $19.99!!! Here is a sneak peak of the incredible, life-changing news straight from the Lord:

-The tall man actually refers to someone by the name of JoelX
-The boxy, kindly thing is an analogy for his brilliant mind which always reveals to him the correct choices!
-The beast is his physical desires, which occasionally lead him astray from his goals!
-The “armies of darkness” are the spawn he will father!

MUCH MORE IS INCLUDED IN THIS SPECIAL OFFER! ORDER NOW BEFORE GOD SMITES YOU!”

(aside)

Pat Robertson: “Gotta love abusing superstition for profit…”
Ted Haggard: “Hell yeah! How else do I fund my meth habit and need for gay hookers?”
Jim Bakker: “And to think, we almost took the moral high path and became used car salesmen. Muhahahaha… I think even child molestors cause less harm to the world than we do!”

Joel’s loses his writing virginity

I decided to write a story… this is my first draft of my first one, so please be kind. I would appreciate you guys’ thoughts on it. The story is a moment in the life of a character named John. My working title is “John and Pete”. Creative, I know. Anyways here it is:

“Finally done”, I grunted to myself as I slowly walked out to my worn Datsun pickup in the parking lot.

Working nights is a bitch. I “throw stock” at Safeway from 6pm to 3am every day and occasionally have to do overtime and may not get out till noon. Carrying around cases of dairy goods and filling racks is backbreaking work and there are scant benefits, so I take my pleasures where I can and steal the occasional case of white wine (such as the one currently resting under my hairy left arm). My wife also works nights and when she gets home each morning we drink a couple of bottles on our porch and watch the dawn before we make love, then pass out and do it all over again.

My bum right shoulder is aching again, so I slow down my already leisurely pace and look out into the darkness around me. The early morning is quiet except for the hum of the heating systems of the surrounding industrial buildings and the rattling of an occasional truck delivering goods to the surrounding businesses.

As I pass under a flickering street lamp, I can see a man dressed in black slacks and a light blue collared shirt leaning on the tailgate of my truck smoking a cigarette. Occasionally I see bums passed out around the area, but this man doesn’t appear to be a bum. Curious, I say, “Um… Can I help you?”

When he glances up I realize I recognize his face, but can’t quite place it at first. Slowly, I begin to remember.

Growing up, I attended the same same elementary school from preschool all the way through sixth grade with the same tight-knit group of friends. In the 3rd grade, a youngster named Pete came to our school. Not used to making new friends and adverse to change, I immediately disliked him. He was about my height and a little hefty around the middle with brown hair and a boatload of freckles. Unfortunately for him, he was a rather ugly boy; fat and slow, and had a distinctly unpleasant odor due to living on a dairy farm just outside of our rural town. Over the next three years, till he left to go to another junior high, my friends and I detested him and made his life miserable. As I got older I realized I had been a bully, but at the time it felt like I was fighting for righteousness and justice and against evil. Pete endured it all; constant taunting, thrown sticks, kicks and punches, and thorough humiliation when he tried to join our games.

Now here Pete was, older and bigger, but same freckles and shock of brown hair. He looked like a staff accountant; he had narrow shoulders with a little pot belly that hung over his belted slacks and then tapered down to his narrow calves.

Pete stared out of his glasses at me with a look of mildly aloof disgust.

“Pete… it’s been years. How are you?” I asked. I felt a little guilty about my past mistreatment of him and so tried to be extra polite. Plus, I was a little nervous to find him standing by my truck at this ungodly hour with no one around.

He didn’t respond and we just looked at each other for several long and, at least for me, uncomfortable moments. Pete reached his hand behind his back and into his slacks and brought out a short, black pistol and pointed it at my chest. My whole body froze and my heart dropped to my toes. I couldn’t move. We looked long into each others eyes, like lovers, both understanding what the moment entailed and why it was here.

I stood there in the middle of that big parking lot in the middle of an industrial district fiercely hoping that I wouldn’t die under in this godforsaken human wasteland in the harsh light of the street lamp.

Pete stood in front of me, externally calm, but his eyes were wide and a vein pulsed in his forehead. I felt a burning desire be at home, drinking my wine, with this living nightmare a hazy memory.

After what felt like an eternity of this standoff, but was probably only a few seconds, Pete pulled his arm back and put the pistol to the side of his head and pulled the trigger. Blood, bone and brains rained in a black mist to the side and his body slumped to the pavement uncomfortably.

I looked around and then back down at his body, completely in shock. The whole world felt oddly distant. My manager ran outside and looked at the situation. His first statement was, “YOU’RE the one who has been stealing the wine. You’re fired.” and then followed with his final order to me “Call 911”. I simply looked through him until he went back inside the store.

After the ambulance came and retrieved the body and the police questioned me for several hours, I was finally allowed to take my Datsun home. My wife and I got extremely drunk that evening.