Mechanics are the slime of the earth

I just had to spend $1218 to get my piece of shit ’99 Ford Contour fixed. My junkyard-on-wheels COST me $2800 3 years ago. The Kelley Blue Book value on it right now is $2,465. I spent half of what the damn thing is worth fixing it!

On my ride home, I got to thinking about what I could have bought instead with my $1200:

-120 pounds of beef jerky. Aaaaarrr!

-A bottle of fine Johnny Walker Blue scotch, an 8-ball of uncut cocaine and the best fucking hooker in Seattle. What an night I missed out on.

-A 42 inch plasma HDTV. Football season would’ve been heavenly.

-800 6-pack packages of Pez. I would probably then owe my orthodontist a fortune though.

-400 bottles of the king of wines: 3 Buck Chuck. I could’ve had a bottle of wine a night for over a year!!!

-$20,000. Or $0. After I bet it all on 7 black at the Muckleshoot Indian Casino.

What did I get instead of the treasures I listed above?

-Front brakes & rotors repaired.

-Back brakes changed.

-Oil changed.

-Spark plugs replaced.

-Starter replaced.

-Fisted by Fucking Firestone & Friends. Les Schwab joined in for 3-some action.

Want to know what it’s like having 3 younger brothers?

I am going to allow my select few readers a glimpse into the magical world of brotherhood. Below is a recent email conversation my brothers and I have had that shows how some of the interactions play out: they are 3 parts humor, 1 part competition, 3 parts bullshit and one hell of a lot of love.

I sent a link to a story in the NYTimes about how the eldest child typically has an IQ several points higher than his younger siblings with the subject line “Important breakthrough in research” to Jordan and Justin (I don’t have Josh’s email address).

Here is Justin’s reply:

1.) you have too much time on your hands

2.) we aren’t 100% genetically related

3.) I’m not the one kissing a dike who looks like a man and probably is a man

4.) you weren’t living at home with Jordan and I for a number of years…Jordan probably played more of a teacher role in josh & I’s lives.

5.) the last think I let you try to teach me was how to drink responsibly…we all know how well that worked out.

6.) Love justin

Below is Jordan’s reply to the string:

I agree with Justin’s analysis.

1. You do have too much time on your hands.

2. Genetically, I’m the oldest pure brother.

3. I am the teacher.

And you all need me.

Finally, this was my reply to them. I realize it may sound completely ridiculous to outsiders, but it’s the way we interact- lots of tongue-in-cheek humor, wildly outsized cockiness and making fucked up jokes about our dysfunctional family:

Sadly, it looks like you to bear out the research one again with your poorly formed logic. My massive IQ carries me through life with ease and you, my depressing brothers, must struggle to understand the smallest occurrences around you. I am incredibly talented at everything from business to women to philosophy to drinking to modern technology. Sheer domination in every area has marked my path through this world. Justin, you of the feeble mind, are merely not capable of handling the rigors of my alcohol teachings. You failed that test, much like you failed math. Am I to blame if I taught myself AP Calculus, yet your malformed brain can’t do basic algebra? Jordan, as to your claims that you are the oldest pure brother, nothing has been proven. It is still highly likely that I have Randall Gross’s genes in me. It is also just as likely that mom didn’t clean up her whorish act after my birth and you guys are all my pure brothers- from the ball sac of Bruce Eide or some other man. I know all of these facts never entered your head while you were hunting and pecking at the keyboard to send your initial email, but I think I have presented them plainly enough.

Please do not respond to my email with your idle words and incomplete thoughts; they do not faze me. Instead, show me that you are my better through your ACTIONS. Don’t be a Randy Gross or a Linda O’tyson and make a lot of claims that are simply untrue. Overcome your IQ limitations and make an effort to accomplish more than I have. Learn how to land beautiful lady after beautiful lady (and not get completely owned by her, Justin), learn to make more money than me, found a successful business, move to the big city, learn to drink, break the strings of mommy and daddy and move away on your own, bench 300 pounds, beat me at chess, beat me at scrabble, beat me at football, beat me at sexual prowess, beat me at anything worthwhile. Go out and fucking achieve!

Yours Truly,

Joel

Pimp Fucking Daddy.

We are completely ridiculous, but we entertain ourselves to no end.

Eternally Damned Automobile

My car is in the shop right now getting the front brakes repaired ($400), back brakes changed($200), oil changed ($22), spark plugs replaced ($60) and am getting my starter checked out ($?)

I expect the mechanics to bump up the cost $2-300 after the work is done. Those greedy bastards never give a guy a break.

Interior Design Biz

The woman I’ve been dating for the last few weeks, Melanie, is now starting her own interior design business! I like to think that I prodded her in that direction, but she already was contemplating how to do it. She is an excellent interior designer, but works for a firm that doesn’t appreciate what she does. I am trying to help by giving business advice and setting up her website, but she just started 3 days ago and already has 2 clients! Watching her is giving me renewed passion for working on my own business.

She had initially offered me a 1/3 stake in the business for helping with the biz side of things, but I turned it down citing the issues that would arise if we broke up… Later, I i rethought my position and decided it would be okay and mentioned perhaps bringing me in… but she repeated my dating issues back at me lol. Hopefully she’ll remember me when she’s a millionaire ;).

Coug Attack

By Joel Gross

Seattle, WA (REUTERS)- Around 8 PM (PST) yesterday evening, locals started calling in reports of a coug attack. The coug, 36, was sighted stalking young, innocent prey at Stix on Eastlake. The large female had her eyes on a man, 25, named Mbwana. After several beers, she was overheard saying such comments as, “I’m allergic to alcohol… it makes my clit vibrate” and “I masturbate in my car on the way to work” and “I’ll show you where you can put your stick”.

Mbwana managed to escape without injuries after a desperate fight to stop her drunken attempts to give him a lapdance and rub his legs. Observers helped pull the coug off of him and then the rescuers themselves were assaulted. The rescuers, a man and his girlfriend, were able to pacify the wild coug long enough to call a cab and send her off home.

Dr. Laurence Hughes, a coug expert, said the coug had probably been couped up for a long time and when she finally got some freedom, she went a little crazy. According to Hughes, in order to avoid setting off a coug people should not make eye contact or have sexually suggestive conversations. Hughes commented, “Coug attacks are dangerous and scary at times, especially when alcohol is involved.”

The incident yesterday was the third coug attack in Seattle during the month of June.

Amazing New People

Sorry about the delay in posts… I’ve been incredibly busy with Melanie lately. Anyways, this should be one of my more entertaining posts… Here goes. Fletcher, if this is too bland, screw you. 😉

Around a couple of weeks ago, I had made my last attempt to get back together with Becky (and got shot down like the Iraqi Air Farce) and I was feeling pretty low. I determined to try my luck on Craigslist again. I had tried to advertise on Craigslist once before and had a large positive response and had picked one girl (Stephanie) to go on a date with. It went really well at first, but three weeks into it (after I had told her I didn’t want a serious relationship) she started telling me she wanted me to marry her! Being a man, I was terrified and made an all-out retreat (I may have hurt some feelings along the way, for which I feel terrible). Below is the ad that I posted:

My Infomercial: 15 Reasons YOU should date ME!

All the other ads I’ve seen so far just seem to list out a bunch of facts about the guy posting (height, weight, ab size, car, penis size, etc.), so I thought I’d follow suit and put together my own list. Warning: some of the items are jokes (if you can’t figure out which ones, you probably shouldn’t email be emailing me…) Anyways, here goes:

15. I won’t send you pictures of my testicles before the first date. I usually wait till the third date for that sort of intimacy.
14. I would love to talk to you until late in the night about anything and everything: politics, religion, books, movies, music and what an awesome person I am.
13. I love try new things and go on new adventures and meet new people.
12. I probably won’t stalk you. 😉
11. I will not be fake with you, lie to you or mislead you. I am honest and trustworthy and my friends know they can trust their lives to me.
10. I don’t really play video or computer games (I’d rather spend my time accomplishing real goals).
9. You’re new purchase of me comes with the full warranty: I am financially and emotionally secure and stable. Warranty expires after 90 days.
8. I am tall, physically fit and have a passion for good food and conversation.
7. I am a recent graduate of the University of Washington and have a good job.
6. I recognize that people are the most important facet of my life; without those I care about, everything I do loses it’s luster. Thus I try to do what’s right and generally follow the Golden Rule.
5. My ten children are all very well behaved and respectful ever since I instituted the weekly shock therapy sessions.
4. I put the song “Space Oddity” by David Bowie on repeat every night I go to sleep to prevent the onset of homicidal insomnia. It’s the only thing that works.
3. I will take you to classy dinners, snuggle with you when you’re sleepy, celebrate with you when you succeed and console you when don’t. You will fall head over heels in love with me.
2. I am not afraid of commitment and will be very loyal if you’re the right person (and you will always know where you stand with me).
1. I am NOT the man in the picture below!!! (I had attached a picture of a giant, sweaty child molester with no neck.)

I got tons of responses to this ad. About half were instantly deleted due to mental or physical incompatibilities. There were also a few cougs; 35-50 year old women telling me someone as special as I am deserved a “mature woman who could match (my) intelligence”… *Shudders* I also received responses from 4 girls who were my age, pretty, educated and coherent. I called and talked to them for awhile and set up dates with each of them for consecutive days last week. I booked myself for every day between Tuesday and Saturday (had a date with a girl I met offline on Thursday). Completely ridiculous- I’ve never done anything like that before. Usually, I’m pretty shy and reserved around women, but I guess Craigslist can make things a lot more personal a lot faster. By the way, Craigslist is the greatest invention ever: I found my furniture there, my gorgeous new condo AND love. I recommend everyone to try it. No longer is Craigslist only for fatties, trannies and creepies… it’s mainstream now.

My first date on Tuesday was with a woman named Melanie. She is an interior designer working on Capitol Hill making pretty good money. We went to the Cha-Cha for drinks after work and she completely blew me away. After talking to her for 4 hours at the Cha I was smitten; she was very intelligent, hilarious, confident and completely uninhibited. I liked her so much that I cancelled the other dates I had planned for the rest of the week to focus on her. We have spent every single day (and almost every free hour) together since we met 9 days ago… it’s almost scary. She is a superb chef (Ian, you have a rival), open, tons of fun and knows how to drink. Last weekend, she and I went up to Vancouver together to visit her newly-minted lesbian friend and her lover. Those two girls were a ton of fun and took us out partying downtown to an irish bar then a club (Celebrities). I have put up all my pictures from the weekend on Picasa here: http://picasaweb.google.com/joelrgross/2007_06_09

Melanie and I are planning on either going to Lake Chelan tomorrow with some friends or staying at her fancy apartment in Lynnwood and going on day trips. We both took Monday off of work, so it’s going to be 3 days of awesomeness!

“The 25 Most Exquisitely Sad Songs”

I was working a couple weeks ago and was doing some research on the site digg.com and they had a link to this list of the “The 25 Most Exquisitely Sad Songs“- a compilation of the saddest songs according to the reviewers at Spinner. You can play each song on the site, so I listened to the whole list while I was working… most of them are good, here’s my analysis (asterisks are stars):

25. “The River” by Bruce Springsteen. ** Poor wedding

24. “Nothing Compares 2 U” by Sinead O’Connor **** Broken hearted lover

23. “No Surprises” by Radiohead *** Suicide

22. “A Change is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke * Poor folks

21. “Space Oddity” by David Bowie… *****Astronaughty awesomeness

20. “That’s the way I’ve Always Heard It Should Be” by Carly Simon *** Longest song title ever.

19. “Lost Cause” by Beck **** Sometimes surrender is best

18. “I’ve Gotta Get a Message to You” by Bee Gees *** Man executed while yearning

17. “Back to Black” by Amy Winehouse *** Lover goes back to ex

16. “Shilo” by Neil Diamond ** Imaginary friends keep me company too

15. “My Mom”by Chocolate Genius * Alzeimers is a bitch

14. “Anyone Who Had a Heart” by Dionne Warwick **

13. “Naked as we Came” by Iron & Wine *** Hopefully, I die before those i care for

12. “In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning” by Frank Sinatra **** I Love Frank

11. “Brick” by Ben Folds Five **** Christmas Abortion

10. “In the Real World” by Roy Orbison ** Hope dies in the real world.

9. “Concrete Angel” by Martina McBride *** Child abusers need a big dose of death

8. “Dance With My Father” by Luther Vandross **** Don’t get me started on missing fathers

7. “Hallelujah” by Jeff Buckley *** Love isn’t always easy.. actually is it ever easy?

6. “He Stopped Loving Her Today” by George Jones ***** Man loves lady till he dies

5. “I Know It’s Over” by The Smiths *** Loneliness

4. “Hurt” by Johnny Cash ** The 9 Inch Nails did it better originally

3. “Eleanor Rigby” by The Beatles ***** Who are the Beatles again?

2. “Gloomy Sunday” by Billie Holiday ** Lost loved one, semi-suicidal

1. “Chicken Wire”by the Pernice Brothers **** Suicide with a drink in her hand.

Weekend fun

Once again, I had a really enjoyable weekend. I spent most of it out playing in the sun and hanging out with my friends. On Friday I did a ton of exercise even though I was still sore from my workout with Fletch on Thursday; I rode my bike to work, ran for an hour at lunch and rode my bike home and then rode it over to Fletcher’s house in the evening. Later that night, the blue grass house and some of their friends had a garden party on campus where everyone dressed up nice and danced and drank wine and ate tasty food by candle light.

Saturday, Ashley helped me put my new seat on my bike. My roommate, Brent, had a birthday party at our condo and had lots of people come through throughout the afternoon and evening. Brent is very well connected and his friends were all interesting people. The director of the Seattle Men’s Chorus, the producer for Evening Magazine, the director of business travel for Weyerhauser/President of the Business Travel association (Brent was late for a flight once and she called the airline and they held the plane on the tarmac for him), Fox Sports Network anchorwoman, the vice president of product development for accenture, a german business owner (w/ $155 million in revenues last year) and a whole train of lawyers all came by. A big group of us stayed up late barbecuing and talking and drinking.

Yesterday (Sunday), I went to Alki Beach with Nick and a bunch of his friends and played volleyball all day in the hot sun. Last night was Fletcher’s big birthday dinner. We went to the new French restaurant Ian works at downtown, Campagne. It was pretty expensive, but well worth it. The food was some of the best I’ve had and we (Fletcher, me, Ashley, Ben, Ian and Diane) had great conversation all night. I think we were there for around four hours just talking and having fun. I must say this birthday was a lot classier than Fletch’s birthday last year when everybody got drunk and then went to a sushi restaurant and had a food fight lol. I’ll be putting up some pictures from last night when I get home tonight.

I have been reading a pretty interesting fictional book given to me by Ashley- “Geek Love” about a family of traveling carnies. The parents had purposely taken all sorts of drugs in order to have children who were “special”- Siamese twins, hunchbacks, scaly skin and other weird genetic abnormalties. I am about 3/4 of the way through it and I am both repulsed and fascinated by the author’s depiction of their life and the themes she pounds on.

I need to head to work now… there’ll be more to come later.