80’s Halloween Outfit

I was hanging out with Jesse and Jason last night while they were getting ready to move and I ended up getting a whole bunch of clothes from them that fit me… which is rare.

Out of that, I pieced myself together an 80’s outfit to wear to work today. I thought about wearing my priest outfit, but I thought that people might get offended by it so wussed out. I have on a blue shirt with a red lightning bolt in the middle, a shiny denim vest and torn up jeans. Hawt.

Women’s Fashion

I am probably the least qualified person in the universe to discuss women’s fashion. I’m going to do it anyways, because I think I finally started to recognize something most people already see: that women’s fashion is not designed to impress men, but to impress other women. Women wear ridiculously unattractive things like Uggs, princess t-shirts, too much makeup, big hats, too much tanning lotion, leg warmers, etc. because it makes other women think that they are somehow interesting or special. Most men I know when they see women wearing this shit are instantly turned off, so for a long time I thought that women who wore these pieces were dumb and not worthy of my time. However, it is becoming clear to me that such items are fashion statements to other women and have nothing at all to do with us men.

Women even go so far as to use men as fashion accessories. Some women date men solely to flaunt them in front of other women. They gain some sort of sick sense of self-esteem by having a boyfriend who has a certain image, whether that be pretty man, rich guy, artsy types or bad boys. Perhaps I should change my image from stank garlic man to something else… Nah, like me for being me. My mom always told me I was wonderful just the way I am.

Below are some specific women’s fashion accessories that are targeted just at other women:

Uggs: the worst decision a woman can make. Men hate these.

uggs.gif

The Muffin-Top: No your fat ass doesn’t look any better when you squeeze into smaller size clothes. I realize this isn’t so much a fashion statement as a fashion misstatement, but don’t wear clothes that don’t fit your body type.

Muffin top

The Boy Toy: Female’s equivalent of the trophy wife. Let’s just say you aren’t dating him for his brains or personality.

Boy Toy picture

Trendy baseball caps: Most people look trashy when they wear these and women aren’t any different. You are only allowed to wear a John Deere cap if you are driving a tractor.

john-deere-girl.jpg

Lampshade hats: Not hot at all. Solely to show up other women.

lampshade hat

Rich guy: The most definitive fashion accessory, the rich guy many times has no personality, no ball, no brains and has done nothing in his life but inherited his money but still has beautiful women on his arm. Why? He’s an ostentatious fashion accessory. Donald Trump is an example of this: inherited his wealth, gambled it all on a couple huge bets and went bankrupt, but got lucky and made it out okay. If he started flat broke, he’d be lucky to be a television repairman.

Donald Trump Ugly Picture

The Bad Boy: He’s rough and tough on the outside, but inside he’s all sweet feelings and goo. He may occasionally knock you around a little, but you know he loves you deep down. That one time he hit you in the belly when you were pregnant and made you miscarry was just an accident. Right?… Yeah… He’s a great guy.

Bad Boy Rapper

The Meathead: For women who want a little (or a lot) of man in their lives.

Giant Meathead

King Of America: Policy on Sports & Crime

When I take over my duties as King of America, I will be instituting a series of policies meant to resolve the major issues facing our nation today. Today, I am going to discuss my beautiful solution that kills two big problems with one stone: Crime and lack of entertainment.

America right now has over 2.2 million people currently in prison. Violent crime continues to be a problem all over the country. Murders, assaults, rapes, and other crime rates soar far above much of the rest of the world. Don’t worry though, King of America has a radical solution to this problem.

The entertainment industry in America holds a strangehold over media and really sucks. Who in the hell watches all those crummy new reality shows or the boring American Idol spinoffs or one of thousands of baseball and basketball games? Football and high quality movies are the only form of entertainment worth our time right now and even these can get boring. How can we hype the entertainment industry up to never-before-seen levels? King of America has a solution.

What is the King of America’s solution to these issues? Two word:

Gladitorial Combat.

Yes, I will bring back the greatest sport in human history. No form of entertainment can provide you with more human drama, excitement, highs, lows and passion that this truest form of reality TV can. Who will fight? Violent criminals- we will empty out our prison system by turning them into gladiators. People who volunteer will also be accepted. The prizes for winning will be cash and a reduced prison sentence (and in some cases, your life). “The Contender”, a boxing reality show, is a big hit among men. Boxing is pretty boring though, wouldn’t you far rather cheer for your favorite reality star as he fights to the death in the arena of combat against lions or other men? The emotional drama would be hundreds of times more intense then any other form of entertainment currently produced. I expect the first few fights to be televised on a pay-per-view basis worldwide with a cost of $49.99. People will tell their friends they consider it immoral, but curiousity and bloodlust will get the best of them. I expect to have around 100 million viewers for the first showing. The $5 billion in revenue will be used to help orphans hospitals, thus giving moral justification. Many people will denounce my policy as inhumane; these people will quickly quiet down when they find themselves in the arena facing hardened murderers. I have all the bases covered, there is no logical objections to my policy…. Is there?

Potential entertainment shows:

Historical combat: We wil bring back the Roman Coliseum in all it’s glory. Men will fight in period costumes and re-enact period battles. Historians will be brought in to discuss how things actually were between contests.

Ultimate Survivor: 20 vicious convicts thrown onto an island. Producers will do full backstories on each of them to involve the audience. Over a period of several weeks, the men will hunt each other down, making and breaking alliances along the way. They will also have to hunt for their own food without any modern equipment. Winner gets $1 million and his crimes pardoned.

The Terminator Maze: One well-trained bodybuilder will be given a sword and shield and sent into a maze full of unarmed child molestors and rapists. If he can fight his way through, he wins a million dollars. If the child molestors win, the survivors will be allowed to compete in the regular gladitorial contests and perhaps one day win there freedom (though they will be castrated).

War: Many criminals are used to stage large battles, with weaponry varying from ancient to modern. Maybe we’ll pit a single F-22 fighter jet against 150 Korean War era fighters. Or perhaps re-enact the battle of Thermopylae: Empty out our prisons of Persians and have them fight the Greek prisoners (who will be trained in phalanx combat).

Policy Results:

-People will be more entertained then they have at any point in history. The Coliseum was cool, but they didn’t have high definition with broadcasters commentating on the action did they? They didn’t have video profiles and backgrounds on the competitors to emphasize the human drama either. I will build stadiums capable of holding hundreds of thousands of spectators watching land, air and sea battles. There will be a television network 100x as large as ESPN.

-Trillions of dollars will be made and much of it will be donated to humanitarian causes, such as curing cancer and AIDs.

-Our overwhelmed prison system will be emptied out as people are thrown into combat.

-New crimes will go greatly down. Who will embezzle a few thousand dollars from their company if they know that they will have to be one of the hundreds of men charging into a hail of machine gun fire in a re-enactment of World War1?

Heather isn’t at fault

I just read Jordan’s blog entry on Justin staying in school. Jordan’s absolutely correct, Justin must stay in school.

However, I hate how everyone in our family always blames other people when they fail in their responsibilities. If Justin fails in school, it’ll be his own damned fault. He is the idiot who decided he needed to waste his money on a single, he is the one who made a decision to drop a class, he is the one who allows himself to be distracted constantly.

Justin, quit being a coward and stop letting people blame your girlfriend for your own mistakes. Stand up for her or don’t be with her. Don’t let anyone control you either. If I was her, I would leave you if you dropped out. Who wants to date a quitter and a failure? No ones wants to be around someone who has shut their doors and is desperate and sad. You are on that path if you don’t grow some willpower and turn yourself around. Fix it. You have a pretty good example in Jordan; he works full time, has a family and goes to school full time (though his grades could be better).

Jordan, Josh, Mom and everyone else needs to lay off Heather. She is fine, the problem is Justin. Get your shit together, Justin. If you’re too immature to handle a girlfriend at this point in your life along with your other responsibilities, don’t have one.

Absolute Domination

The New England Patriots right now look like the greatest football team ever assembled. They not only have one of the most potent offenses, but their defense is smothering.

I watched their game on Sunday against the Washington Redskins (4-2) a good team with a top defense. Not only did Tom Brady rip them for 52 points, but they pitched a shutout until garbage time in the 4th quarter with 3 minutes left and defensive backups playing when the Redskins got a touchdown.

Next week, the undefeated Patriots play the undefeated Colts. Should be an excellent game. My prediction of the final score: Patriots 42- Colts 18