Amazing New People

Sorry about the delay in posts… I’ve been incredibly busy with Melanie lately. Anyways, this should be one of my more entertaining posts… Here goes. Fletcher, if this is too bland, screw you. 😉

Around a couple of weeks ago, I had made my last attempt to get back together with Becky (and got shot down like the Iraqi Air Farce) and I was feeling pretty low. I determined to try my luck on Craigslist again. I had tried to advertise on Craigslist once before and had a large positive response and had picked one girl (Stephanie) to go on a date with. It went really well at first, but three weeks into it (after I had told her I didn’t want a serious relationship) she started telling me she wanted me to marry her! Being a man, I was terrified and made an all-out retreat (I may have hurt some feelings along the way, for which I feel terrible). Below is the ad that I posted:

My Infomercial: 15 Reasons YOU should date ME!

All the other ads I’ve seen so far just seem to list out a bunch of facts about the guy posting (height, weight, ab size, car, penis size, etc.), so I thought I’d follow suit and put together my own list. Warning: some of the items are jokes (if you can’t figure out which ones, you probably shouldn’t email be emailing me…) Anyways, here goes:

15. I won’t send you pictures of my testicles before the first date. I usually wait till the third date for that sort of intimacy.
14. I would love to talk to you until late in the night about anything and everything: politics, religion, books, movies, music and what an awesome person I am.
13. I love try new things and go on new adventures and meet new people.
12. I probably won’t stalk you. 😉
11. I will not be fake with you, lie to you or mislead you. I am honest and trustworthy and my friends know they can trust their lives to me.
10. I don’t really play video or computer games (I’d rather spend my time accomplishing real goals).
9. You’re new purchase of me comes with the full warranty: I am financially and emotionally secure and stable. Warranty expires after 90 days.
8. I am tall, physically fit and have a passion for good food and conversation.
7. I am a recent graduate of the University of Washington and have a good job.
6. I recognize that people are the most important facet of my life; without those I care about, everything I do loses it’s luster. Thus I try to do what’s right and generally follow the Golden Rule.
5. My ten children are all very well behaved and respectful ever since I instituted the weekly shock therapy sessions.
4. I put the song “Space Oddity” by David Bowie on repeat every night I go to sleep to prevent the onset of homicidal insomnia. It’s the only thing that works.
3. I will take you to classy dinners, snuggle with you when you’re sleepy, celebrate with you when you succeed and console you when don’t. You will fall head over heels in love with me.
2. I am not afraid of commitment and will be very loyal if you’re the right person (and you will always know where you stand with me).
1. I am NOT the man in the picture below!!! (I had attached a picture of a giant, sweaty child molester with no neck.)

I got tons of responses to this ad. About half were instantly deleted due to mental or physical incompatibilities. There were also a few cougs; 35-50 year old women telling me someone as special as I am deserved a “mature woman who could match (my) intelligence”… *Shudders* I also received responses from 4 girls who were my age, pretty, educated and coherent. I called and talked to them for awhile and set up dates with each of them for consecutive days last week. I booked myself for every day between Tuesday and Saturday (had a date with a girl I met offline on Thursday). Completely ridiculous- I’ve never done anything like that before. Usually, I’m pretty shy and reserved around women, but I guess Craigslist can make things a lot more personal a lot faster. By the way, Craigslist is the greatest invention ever: I found my furniture there, my gorgeous new condo AND love. I recommend everyone to try it. No longer is Craigslist only for fatties, trannies and creepies… it’s mainstream now.

My first date on Tuesday was with a woman named Melanie. She is an interior designer working on Capitol Hill making pretty good money. We went to the Cha-Cha for drinks after work and she completely blew me away. After talking to her for 4 hours at the Cha I was smitten; she was very intelligent, hilarious, confident and completely uninhibited. I liked her so much that I cancelled the other dates I had planned for the rest of the week to focus on her. We have spent every single day (and almost every free hour) together since we met 9 days ago… it’s almost scary. She is a superb chef (Ian, you have a rival), open, tons of fun and knows how to drink. Last weekend, she and I went up to Vancouver together to visit her newly-minted lesbian friend and her lover. Those two girls were a ton of fun and took us out partying downtown to an irish bar then a club (Celebrities). I have put up all my pictures from the weekend on Picasa here:

Melanie and I are planning on either going to Lake Chelan tomorrow with some friends or staying at her fancy apartment in Lynnwood and going on day trips. We both took Monday off of work, so it’s going to be 3 days of awesomeness!

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Joel Gross

Joel Gross is the CEO of Coalition Technologies.

2 thoughts on “Amazing New People”

  1. This is a hilarious blog post. I enjoyed it. Perhaps it’s the new friends – perhaps it’s your Craigslist ad – but this is great. You will make me a subscriber yet. Love you Joelio – glad fun things are happening for you. (Oh, and I didn’t just post for the sake of my site – even though you did teach me that trick.) 😉

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