King of America: Short Man Syndrome

Cartoon of short man syndromePost Disclaimer: I am 6’6”, but actually believe that I may suffer from a version of short man syndrome myself. I tend to be competitive and aggressive and occasionally assault tall men, because, “they were judging me.”

For years I have noticed that people who are short or were short when they were young are often much more aggressive than the rest of the human population. My theory was always that short people (men especially) are more aggressive because they feel a need to “prove” themselves to their taller peers.

People throughout history have noticed that short men are significantly more likely to be jealous and angry and aggressive than tall people are. Older civilizations had a different name for “Short Man Syndrome”- “The Napoleon Complex”. Both are terms that describe an inferiority complex that physically short men have. Other terms for short man syndrome include “small man syndrome”, “little man issues”, “child molestor” and “little demon creature”. Some of those may be more scientifically accurate than others.

Many historical figures are alleged to have had short man syndrome- Napoleon BonapartThe Napoleon Bonaparte Complexe, Mussolini, Attila the Hun, Stalin among many of history’s most loathed men. Could their short man syndrome have driven them to commit atrocities and have a drive for absolute power? Is short man syndrome a factor in life?

Recent and old scientific studies, along with piles of anecdotal evidence seem to indicate that yes, short man syndrome is a major factor in human society. Researchers at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands recently carried out a study to find out how short man syndrome affects relationships. Participants were asked to rate themselves on how jealous they were on a scale from “not jealous at all” to “morbidly jealous”. The study participants were also asked how interested their partners were in members of the opposite sex. The results showed that the shorter men were FAR more likely to be jealous than the tall men. Researcher Dr. Abraham Buunk said, “Taller men tended to be less jealous, and the tallest men were the least jealous.” In contrast, “the very short and very tall women tended to be more jealous and women of average height were the least jealous.”

Another study with more participants (about 400) was done afterwards and once again the shortest men were the most jealous on a sliding scale up to the tallest men. The researchers thesis is that their findings reflect insecurities among people who are not society’s targeted height.

I can understand why short men have short man syndrome. The world at large seems to have a very strong unconscious bias towards taller people.

Research studies have shown that the taller a man is significantly more likely to make more money, have moreshort man syndrome children, have more sexual partners and get more replies to dating advertisements than are shorter men. According to Malcolm Gladwell, the average CEO on the Fortune 500 list is 3” taller than the average American male. This statistic actually way understates what is actually going on- 58% of CEO’s on the Fortune 500 list are over six feet tall, while the American population average is 14.5%. As you continue to even taller heights, you find that the bias for tall people increases further. 3.9% of the American populace is over 6’2”, whereas 30% of CEO’s are over 6’2”. Short men have very good reason to be more aggressive and jealous than their taller peers- people automatically judge them as inferior. Other studies have shown that on average, each additional inch in height for a man gives him an additional $789 a year in income. If you take this over a 40 year lifetime of work short man syndrome hahahaand compare the difference between the average 6’6” man and the average 5’5” man, this adds up to hundreds of thousands a year of additional income. Also, in almost every presidential election in American history, the taller man has won over the short man. George W. Bush is a rare exception; but he still got less votes than the taller Al Gore. People love tall men.

I have questions about the correlation between height and success in life. Is it causative? Does being taller mean you probably have better genes and thus are more likely to be successful in life? Or is it simply a genetic prejudice held over from the days when big men were more likely to survive than shorter men? I don’t know. It may also have to do with nutrition: people who receive better nutrition at a young age have been shown to be more intelligent and grow taller than those who don’t. What do you, my readers, think? short man syndrome uber freak

Short man syndrome has been something that annoyed me my whole life. Shorter guys are always trying to prove they are better at me at whatever stupid activity we are doing. Sometimes I just want to play a simple game of horse without a short guy getting all heated. Since I’ve shown that there is a real cause for short man syndrome and that short man syndrome exists in everyday life, is there anything we can do about it?

Is there a cure for Short Man Syndrome? Has Short Man Syndrome caused more suffering than, say, cancer or AIDs? What is the Center for Disease Control (CDC) doing to combat short man syndrome?!

We cannot let the short man syndrome outbreak continue to spread… look at what it has done to the poor victim pictured at right.

King of America: Policy on Suicide

In America we have several basic rights: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We have the freedom to either try to be happy (making money, chasing women, running marathons) or to not be happy (anything goth). Americans have the liberty to do most anything that they please: pick their nose, create militias, drive cars, eat McDonald’s till they are too fat to get out of bed or just do nothing.

Why shouldn’t we extend the same freedoms to the right to life?

Picture this: anyone who no longer wants to live, for whatever reason, can apply for a suicide license. The applicants will have a two year waiting period and must attend classes on why or why not to kill yourself. If after attending these “suicide classes”, the person knows that they still want to die, they will receive a license and have a humane, physician-assisted suicide.

A humane suicide would be far better than having someone’s spouse or children come home to find them hanging from a chandelier. People should have the right to a clean death if that is what they want. If I have the right to pursue happiness, why shouldn’t I have the much more important right to my own life?

Lori Drew: Evil Psycho

A 47 year old mother, Lori Drew, was angry at a 13 year old girl who had snubbed her daughter, so Lori Drew created a fake MySpace profile of a good looking boy and had the boy become the 13 year old’s online boyfriend. They dated for a month, then Lori Drew started sending mean messages to the girl. One message said, “The world would be a better place without you.” Within an hour, the 13 year old girl had hanged herself with a belt in her closet.

Lori Drew did not break any laws and cannot be prosecuted, even though her vile premeditated actions were intended to hurt the girl. I am not sure I can come up with a universal law that will apply to this situation, but once again, I think that this is a strong indication that I need to be King of America. I would pit Lori Drew in a pay-per-view match to the death with Pat Robertson. Winner gets a surprise crucifixion.

Lori Drew is definitely in the running for World’s Most Evil Bitch.

Why Joel Doesn’t Vote

I have had discussions with two people recently who have criticized me for not voting, so I think I should clarify why I don’t.

Ever since I was a small child, I have been an avid student of history, economics and politics. I have constantly put my beliefs to the test and have changed them when I found they couldn’t withstand the hot fires of reason. Some of these beliefs have been harder to discard then others. Willingness to think and listen to logic even when it hurts are the hallmarks of a well functioning human being. I don’t allow what everyone else thinks to influence my beliefs; at the time I dropped religion, I didn’t know a single person who wasn’t religious. In that same independence of mind vein, I have come to the conclusion that voting is not only useless, but it could be immoral as well. I realize that this is a highly unpopular stance to take, but hear me out, I have my reasons.

Let’s take a look at our current two-party political system. The way the electoral college and election rules are set up, it is virtually impossible for any alternative parties gain momentum and rise to power. My two options left are the Republicans and the Democrats. Both parties are horrifically corrupt and both engage in gerrymandering, pandering to special interests, and cheat in the actual elections (any time an election is audited, thousands of extra voters are found and that’s just the most obvious way to fix an election).

The Republicans and Democrats are virtually mirror images of each other and they are run by the same group of people. The parties only pick a couple of minor “issues” each year to focus on… usually small policies that don’t affect the ruling power’s economic and political interests, such as abortion, how to pull out of Iraq, etc. The truly important issues are never really brought before the public: taxation, overall government services, and future major diplomacy plans (everyone knows we are pulling out of Iraq, the only issue being argued now is when). Bush was supposedly a conservative, yet he raised taxes at a rate far greater than that of Clinton. Clinton was supposedly a liberal, but he did not hesitate to use force… I could go on for hours listing examples like this, but the essence is that both parties follow the same policies on the most important issues. It makes sense that they do so, because the key people that run both political parties come from the same elite group. They attend the same universities, are members of the same country clubs and laugh at the common people while they relax in the steam rooms. The only difference between America and Russia is that the Russian people are not deluded into thinking that they have true political power.

Another reason not to vote is simple mathematicsl. Even assuming that the system isn’t completely corrupted (which it most definitely is), there are 300 million people in America. Statistically speaking, 1/300,000,000 is a big, fat Zero. You don’t matter at all. You have better odds of winning the Lottery, than you do of having your vote make the least bit of difference. Playing the Lottery is widely acknowledged by economists and other intellectuals as an incredibly stupid thing to do; why do we insist that voting is any different? Even if it did matter, my vote would just be canceled by one of the countless rednecks, welfare queens, Puyallupians and other distasteful people I wouldn’t even associate myself with, much less allow to control my destiny. And don’t feed me a bunch of bullshit about “duty”; my only duty is to the people I love, not to the unwashed masses. By wasting a day or two researching the issues and candidates, then voting, I am throwing away time I should be spending with people who are important to me or earning money to support myself and those I love. Thus voting violates my basic moral principles.

When you vote, you are implying that you support the structure of elections and that you believe you can make a difference, even in the face of a mountain of evidence that your vote doesn’t matter. I will not give my implied support for my own slavery. I don’t have a choice but to accept the current political system because I have no power currently, but I am not going to participate in it. One day, I hope to be a part of that elite group that controls the major policies in this country. The King of America does not demean himself by pretending along with the rest of the country that the Emperor has clothes. I leave that to you, MTV watchers. You can rock the vote, but I think I’ll try to reach the halls of power where I can make some real changes.

King Of America: Policy on Sports & Crime

When I take over my duties as King of America, I will be instituting a series of policies meant to resolve the major issues facing our nation today. Today, I am going to discuss my beautiful solution that kills two big problems with one stone: Crime and lack of entertainment.

America right now has over 2.2 million people currently in prison. Violent crime continues to be a problem all over the country. Murders, assaults, rapes, and other crime rates soar far above much of the rest of the world. Don’t worry though, King of America has a radical solution to this problem.

The entertainment industry in America holds a strangehold over media and really sucks. Who in the hell watches all those crummy new reality shows or the boring American Idol spinoffs or one of thousands of baseball and basketball games? Football and high quality movies are the only form of entertainment worth our time right now and even these can get boring. How can we hype the entertainment industry up to never-before-seen levels? King of America has a solution.

What is the King of America’s solution to these issues? Two word:

Gladitorial Combat.

Yes, I will bring back the greatest sport in human history. No form of entertainment can provide you with more human drama, excitement, highs, lows and passion that this truest form of reality TV can. Who will fight? Violent criminals- we will empty out our prison system by turning them into gladiators. People who volunteer will also be accepted. The prizes for winning will be cash and a reduced prison sentence (and in some cases, your life). “The Contender”, a boxing reality show, is a big hit among men. Boxing is pretty boring though, wouldn’t you far rather cheer for your favorite reality star as he fights to the death in the arena of combat against lions or other men? The emotional drama would be hundreds of times more intense then any other form of entertainment currently produced. I expect the first few fights to be televised on a pay-per-view basis worldwide with a cost of $49.99. People will tell their friends they consider it immoral, but curiousity and bloodlust will get the best of them. I expect to have around 100 million viewers for the first showing. The $5 billion in revenue will be used to help orphans hospitals, thus giving moral justification. Many people will denounce my policy as inhumane; these people will quickly quiet down when they find themselves in the arena facing hardened murderers. I have all the bases covered, there is no logical objections to my policy…. Is there?

Potential entertainment shows:

Historical combat: We wil bring back the Roman Coliseum in all it’s glory. Men will fight in period costumes and re-enact period battles. Historians will be brought in to discuss how things actually were between contests.

Ultimate Survivor: 20 vicious convicts thrown onto an island. Producers will do full backstories on each of them to involve the audience. Over a period of several weeks, the men will hunt each other down, making and breaking alliances along the way. They will also have to hunt for their own food without any modern equipment. Winner gets $1 million and his crimes pardoned.

The Terminator Maze: One well-trained bodybuilder will be given a sword and shield and sent into a maze full of unarmed child molestors and rapists. If he can fight his way through, he wins a million dollars. If the child molestors win, the survivors will be allowed to compete in the regular gladitorial contests and perhaps one day win there freedom (though they will be castrated).

War: Many criminals are used to stage large battles, with weaponry varying from ancient to modern. Maybe we’ll pit a single F-22 fighter jet against 150 Korean War era fighters. Or perhaps re-enact the battle of Thermopylae: Empty out our prisons of Persians and have them fight the Greek prisoners (who will be trained in phalanx combat).

Policy Results:

-People will be more entertained then they have at any point in history. The Coliseum was cool, but they didn’t have high definition with broadcasters commentating on the action did they? They didn’t have video profiles and backgrounds on the competitors to emphasize the human drama either. I will build stadiums capable of holding hundreds of thousands of spectators watching land, air and sea battles. There will be a television network 100x as large as ESPN.

-Trillions of dollars will be made and much of it will be donated to humanitarian causes, such as curing cancer and AIDs.

-Our overwhelmed prison system will be emptied out as people are thrown into combat.

-New crimes will go greatly down. Who will embezzle a few thousand dollars from their company if they know that they will have to be one of the hundreds of men charging into a hail of machine gun fire in a re-enactment of World War1?

King of America

I have decided that I am going to be the first King of America.

King of America will be a new branch of the government like the Presidency, Supreme Court and Legislature; only it will reside above these. Why do we need a new branch of the government you ask? Every so often someone needs to just step up and make decisions without worrying about what anyone thinks. President Bush has almost turned the presidency into a kingship, but it seems like people are rejecting his plan. A true, straightforward king is needed. He doesn’t need to do much, just relax and make sure the people are having fun and no one gets too out of line. The fact that England gets to have royalty and America doesn’t is outrageous… after all we invented Wal-Mart, freedom fries, asian people, Pat Robertson, reality television, sunshine and carpet bombinb.

Why should I be King of America? I am ideally fitted for the job: I can make brash, harsh, vicious decisions whenever called upon. I have no problem throwing people in prison for life for farting at an inappropriate time or having them beheaded for looking at me funny. I plan on instituting gladitorial combat for the entertainment of the masses. I will declare my close supporters as title holders. For instance, Fletcher is going to be Liege Lord of California. Also, I will throw some bones to the common man. Weirdos and opposition parties will have an annual “open season”- one weeks time in which any God-fearing American can hunt and kill them without consequences. The Westboro Baptist Church, Pat Robertson, Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints, and Justin Gross (who just dropped a class) will be targets of the inaugural festivities. I will have reality TV crews following all groups around during the period. Each of them gets a half hour headstart, then all the rednecks and hillbillies get to load up their shotgun-toting truck caravans and head out. It’ll be really entertaining when all the families of soldiers’ who had their funerals protested finally get their vengeance.

How can we change the current system to make me King of America? Simple. I’ll do it the same way many dictators have taken power- you elect me president and I declare myself King. Once I am King, I will allow new elections for a President to run the everyday government so I can focus on blowing things up.

Why should Joel be uncontested King of America? I don’t think it’s fair to just appoint myself to this position, it must be fought for and won. Hence, I am today declaring my candidacy for the position. Any opposition that has the balls to step forward, please do. Keep in mind that I fight really, really dirty though.