Coug Attack

By Joel Gross

Seattle, WA (REUTERS)- Around 8 PM (PST) yesterday evening, locals started calling in reports of a coug attack. The coug, 36, was sighted stalking young, innocent prey at Stix on Eastlake. The large female had her eyes on a man, 25, named Mbwana. After several beers, she was overheard saying such comments as, “I’m allergic to alcohol… it makes my clit vibrate” and “I masturbate in my car on the way to work” and “I’ll show you where you can put your stick”.

Mbwana managed to escape without injuries after a desperate fight to stop her drunken attempts to give him a lapdance and rub his legs. Observers helped pull the coug off of him and then the rescuers themselves were assaulted. The rescuers, a man and his girlfriend, were able to pacify the wild coug long enough to call a cab and send her off home.

Dr. Laurence Hughes, a coug expert, said the coug had probably been couped up for a long time and when she finally got some freedom, she went a little crazy. According to Hughes, in order to avoid setting off a coug people should not make eye contact or have sexually suggestive conversations. Hughes commented, “Coug attacks are dangerous and scary at times, especially when alcohol is involved.”

The incident yesterday was the third coug attack in Seattle during the month of June.

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Joel Gross

Joel Gross is the CEO of Coalition Technologies.

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