Ever thought of killing yourself?

You probably should! Find out here.
Don’t do something stereotypical, like shoot yourself in the head, OD on painkillers or hang yourself. Be creative and really show what a unique individual you are. You finally have your chance to show all those automatons out there that you aren’t just some trench coat wearing freak who can’t get laid or girl with severe emotional problems and a taste for meth, but have something really meaningful to contribute to our sad little world. Here are my top 11 most recommended methodologies:

1. Go to the zoo and go to the lion cage. There will be several beasts eyeing you. Pick out the biggest one and try to kill him with your bare hands. If you walk out of the cage, Sampson, you will have a new appreciation for life. Ballsiness rating: 10

2. Death by boredom. Videotape your bosses giving a motivational lecture, lock yourself in a with a bulletproof window and put a TV on the other side with the video on loop. In less than a day you’ll have rammed your head into the wall enough times to have died of brain hemmoraghing. Ballsiness rating: 3
3. Try to spell hemorrhaging correctly. It’ll cause brain implosion. Ballsiness rating 2

4. Road rage. Wait till “Pacman” Jones (ghetto NFL corner who’s homies shot up a bouncer in Vegas) decides to roll out in his pimped out black Escalade. Drive your little Ford Contour up right behind him and lay on the horn till he pulls over. When he does, get your golf club out of your back seat and start smashing windows. His crew will blow you away. Ballsiness rating: 6

5. Buy a kiddie water pistol, paint it black and wait for the president to come visit a city near yours. Charge said president and wait for the Secret Service to lay some good ol’ fashioned Homeland Security on your ass. Ballsiness rating 7

6. Find a tube of superglue and seal all bodily orifices. Wait for a bit. Explode. Ballsiness rating: 8

7. Want to be the coolest guy ever? Strangle yourself with your own hands. It supposedly is medically impossible, so if you pull it off you’ll be a hero. Fail and you will be too brain damaged to care. Ballsiness rating: 10

8. Get AIDs. Sleep with as many hookers as you can till dead. Ballsiness rating: 9

9. Spaceshuttle disaster. Work your ass for the next ten years, earn a spot on a space shuttle as an astronaut. Remove a heating tile just before liftoff. Wait for thousands of gallons of fuel to incinerate you. Ballsiness rating: 3

10. Get really, really, really high. Who says marijuana doesn’t kill? You show ’em. You’ve been trying your whole life anyways, dumbass. Ballsiness rating: 2

11. Read yet another shitty top 10 list and let the insanity set in and try to tear your brain out with your fingers. Ballsiness rating: 10

If you have anything to add, feel free to do so in the comments!

Published by

Joel Gross

Joel Gross is the CEO of Coalition Technologies.

6 thoughts on “Ever thought of killing yourself?”

  1. Eat 3 times a day for 6 days, well I was gone say 7 days but you will not make it.
    At Mcdonald

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