What are the most profitable movies in history? What can we learn about humanity by viewing these results? Let’s see…
1. Titanic. Released in 1997, Titanic has been the highest grossing movie in history by far, earning 60% more money than the next movie on the list. Standing in at $1,835,300,000 Titanic is the richest movie in history. Our lucky friend, Leonardo DiCaprio, must have a hot tub that doesn’t run water but molten gold. My guess is that he has beautiful women over and then “accidentally” pushes them in. That’s what I would do.
2. Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. With a title that long, how can you possibly go wrong? This flick stands in at a healthy and wealthy $1,129,219,252. Exactly. I guess this tale of Frodo and Sam’s homosexual love affair caught the human imagination. I wonder if Brokeback Mountain will be a couple more notches down?
3. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. $1,060,332,628. No wonder Johnny Depp owns an island in the Caribbean. If it wasn’t for him, this movie would have never even gotten on television.
4. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. $968,657,891. What’s up with all these trilogies and ridiculously long names? And how in the hell have so many people watched a Harry Potter movie? I am starting to sense that there is something severely wrong with the world.
5. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. $958,404,152. Ugh. Another sequel. Johnny Depp is a very sexy man, but why isn’t one of his better movies here? Blow, Edward Scissorhands or Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas all far outclass this mass produced trash.
6. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Arcadia is going to hate me for saying this, but what the hell! I am sick of seeing the same movie genres here. Where are the all-time greats? Dirty Harry, Braveheart, Requiem for a Dream, Full Metal Jacket?
7. Star Wars: Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace. $922,379,000. This makes sense, the first movie of the trilogy appears to have made the most money because it SUCKED and no one went to see the next couple. The original three Star Wars movies were magical, but Jar Jar Binks and friends managed to ruin all of the magic that the first ones had. George Lucas should retired when he was on top, but I guess he had to support his cocaine habit somehow.
8. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. $921,600,000. Another decent movie, but nothing special. It seems that giant marketing budgets and special effects carry the load in winning people’s hearts and minds. Makes me doubt all of these claims I’ve always heard about the human spirit; it appears to be easily purchased and wooed with sparkly pictures rather than great and noble concepts.
9. Jurassic Park. $919,700,000. Best movie on the list so far. Jurassic Park is a fun action movie and broke some new ground in a lot of areas in that genre. Lizard Land even had some interesting and thought-provoking themes. Still not a “great”.
10. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. $892, 194,397. I quit, humanity is hopeless.