“Randy at night, Gross in the morning”
My name is Joel Randall Gross.
I am named after the prophet Joel in the Bible who took some mushrooms and foretold the end of the world: “I will show portents in the heavens and on the earth, blood and fire and columns of smoke. The sun shall be turned to darkness, and the moon to blood, before the great and terrible day of the LORD comes.” Heavy stuff. That Joel should’ve just taken a chill pill or something.
To tell the truth, I’m not a real big fan of my name. Joel is okay, but the rest sucks. Everyone always asks if I was teased about my last name growing up, but surprisingly, I never really was. My friends usually tried to rhyme Joel with other words, like “Joel the Hole”, “Joel the Bowl” or more accurately, “Joel with no Soul”.
Randall is the name of the guy who I thought was my dad growing up, but probably isn’t (need a DNA test on NuDaddy). Haven’t talked to him in more than two years, nor have two other brothers; Jordan and Justin. Joshua is the Cinderella still trapped with Randy in his abusive home… hopefully he’ll be kicked out soon though. I got kicked out at 14, Jordan at 16 and Justin at 16. Randall is a huge dick with no balls. Anyway, Randall just sounds like a dorky name.
Gross. Ah, Gross. What the hell were my ancestors thinking when they went with Gross? I bet they just got really drunk and thought it would be funny to change their names to Gross. The primary problem I’ve run into with Gross is the fact that all the girls I have dated HATE it. Multiple women have said, “Wow, you have a really unfortunate last name.” Most women grow up dreaming of the new name that they will get when they get married: Johnson, Rody, Faramarzi, Dies, etc. No girl grows up thinking, “One day I’m going to be Sandy Gross!” I probably have lost significant amount of goodwill with women because of that. I think I’m going to change my name, I’m just not sure what to. Maybe I should change it to the name of my website: Joel X lol. If I haven’t changed it by the time I get married, I’ll probably take my wife’s last name.
Joel Randall Gross.