Through my life, I have noticed that many times the person an individual loves most does not love them back the same way. Instead that person loves someone else most, who in turn does not love them back.
People still fall in love with each other; if you spend enough time with many people you will eventually love them. What I’m talking about is different though…. I am talking about that feeling of urgent desire for someone else that doesn’t go away, when even when you are together you can’t get enough of them. Someone who you love everything about even from the start. Someone who’s name not only pops into your head all the time, but when it does it gives you a chill. The person for whom you know you would do anything for, just to have them smile at you.
Out of all of the hundreds or perhaps thousands of couples I have met, onlyy a few both loved each other this way. Usually, one person loves the other in this intense way while the other person is just sort of comfortable with it. After time goes by, the other person grows to love the one who is so passionately in love. But their love is of a different kind- more brotherly love with a tinge of pity.
I don’t think it’s that there are just a few people out there that everyone else falls passionately in love with… I think that everyone has the potential to be loved this way by the right person under the right circumstances. I have loved other people in this way and I have had other people love me this way, but never has it happened to be mutual. Almost always one person loves the other this way while the other person just tolerates it. Most marriages are this way in my opinion- one person loves intensely and the other person settles. Biological clocks start to ring and people get scared and settle for each other.
Is this process sad? In some ways. Is it bad? I don’t think so…
How can you tell which person is which in these situations? Simply ask them what they like best about the other person. The one who is intensely in love will look a little confused and will give you a rambling answer… the question of why they love is almost irrelevant to them: “She just has that sparkle in her eyes…” or “He gives me butterflies when I look at him”. An example of someone professing this type of intense love is Lena Chen on the Sex in the Ivy Blog (/Sex and the Ivy Blog lol)… she is someone who is highly articulate, but can’t really explain how she feels about “Summer Guy”.
The person who may love the other, but not in the same intense way will be more eloquent and will talk about the person they love’s intelligence, beauty, honesty, humor, good personality, wealth, connections, success, and the how much that person loves them. All of this will be spoken of in quantifiable-sounding terms: “She is the hottest and smartest girl I’ve ever dated” or “He is very good at making me laugh and just has that puppy dog look when he looks at me”.
The person who loves so intensely usually has much less power in these relationships. Ultimately, the intense lover can’t walk away from the relationship without massive emotional struggle and pain, while the other person can move on quickly. I have been on both sides of these relationships and though the person who can walk away has more power and usually more happiness, I would rather be the intense lover. Nothing else can make you feel so alive.
The dream is to have a relationship where both people intensely love each other, but I’m not sure if these are possible. The very nature of them usually turns one person or the other cold.. it’s like two positively charged forces pushed together; they will repel each other or one of them will turn negative and become the standard lover.
Of course, relationships where both people are sort of blase about the other don’t last either. When hard times come, the glue of intense love isn’t there to patch up the problems.
I think the pinnacle of life is to find someone who you love intensely without reserve and who in turn loves you back in the same way, even if it is only for a short time before one person loses the intensity and perhaps even settles. I am a person who will never be a settler- my nature demands that I love intensely with single minded drive… even if the other person doesn’t love me back in the same way and I know it.