Cascade Christian High School (CCHS), Puyallup WA is AWFUL!

I attended Cascade Christian’s feeder elementary school in Spanaway, the junior high attached to the high school and the high school itself. I graduated in 2002. All three of my younger brothers attended Cascade Christian High School (Jordan was student body president, Justin was president of his 9th grade class). I also have two cousins who still attend Cascade. My 16 years spent in the Cascade Christian School system, as well as the rest of my families combined 50 years experience and the fact that my father was one of the three founding pastors of Cascade make me a uniquely qualified authority on this school system. My conclusion? Cascade Christian Schools is one of the worst academic institutions in the country and it’s religious teachings drive children as far from God as possible.

I would recommend parents looking for private schools in Washington to AVOID Cascade Christian Schools at ALL costs. I have multiple reasons for giving this advice, but I’ll start with the most important: the VERY poor quality of academics. While I attended Cascade, I had dozens of teachers and I would be surprised if any of them had adequate training to teach their subjects. For example, 2 of my 3 AP teachers were severely underqualified and openly admitted they didn’t know what they were doing. AP teachers are supposed to be the best in the school system. Mr. Bracher, my AP calculus teacher at Cascade Christian, had never taught Calculus before. A month before the nationwide AP exam, our whole class took a practice test and every student scored a 0 (worst possible) and Mr. Bracher himself received a 1 out of 5. At that point, I told Mr. Bracher I was no longer going to attend his class and my friend (Mark Rody) and I started studying by ourselves in the hall. I have always been good at teaching myself and managed to pull off a 4, but Mark needed a teacher’s help and scored a 1. Mark Rody is an extremely good student and worked his butt off, but Cascade Christian Schools utterly failed him. To be fair, there were also a couple very good teachers (Mrs. Aylard, Mr. Clevenger) who are passionate about what they do, but I believe they have retired since I left. I had a friend, Ryan Fancher, who was very sharp, transfer to the local public school, Rogers, because it had a MUCH better quality of schooling. Ryan Fancher went on to go to the Air Force Academy and is currently training to fly fighter jets in Texas. Most of the kids in my class ended up either not going to college, attending community colleges or just dropping out. The Valedictorian of my class did not go to college. Cascade Christian High School falsely reported that my senior class received millions of dollars in scholarships, but what they didn’t share was they were claiming ‘scholarships’ that kids would get AFTER they served in the military and had nothing to do with their high school performance. Cascade also included ‘scholarships’ automatically offered by private universities to all students. Cascade manipulates information to make them look better than they are, be very careful before accepting any numbers they tell you. Cascade Christian Schools will crush your child’s desire to learn and spirit.

Cascade Christian Schools has very poor spiritual training. Cascade claims to be a God-focused school, but talk is cheap and that is all they have to offer. Many teachers, administration and students are hypocritical about their beliefs. I had one teacher in a junior high history class who had a sadistic streak and entertained the class by having the students make balls out of tape and throw them at the fat kid, Allen. After high school, I attended the University of Washington and joined a fraternity. My fraternity held an event where sorority girls would come and get drunk and dance semi-naked. Guess who starred in the most scandalous skit? The girl who was VP of Spiritual Life for the student body my senior year. Cascade Christian Schools spiritual education consists of rote memorization of Bible verses and classes taught by teachers who do not understand basic theology. Mrs. Huth, a Bible teacher I had multiple times, had a curriculum that consisted primarily of cheesy personality tests that told me I was a “lion”. I’m surprised she didn’t give us horoscopes to read as homework.

Cascade Christian Schools (CCS) isn’t all bad, just mostly. The football program under Coach V was excellent. I only played my senior year (and primarily as a backup lol), but I learned a lot and had a great time. I met many great friends there and have good memories hanging out with them. However, school is supposed to be about education, and Cascade Christian sadly failed in the most important areas.

The Puyallup School District has much better schools academically with much better funding. Puyallup School District also has many spiritually focused student groups that are much more honest and less hypocritical than Cascade Christian Schools’ silly, force-fed version of Christianity. If you must have a christian school, investigate Seattle Christian. I have several friends who attended there and all have very good things to say.

Rachelle Interview 1

Big Brother says:
hmm
Rachelle says:
Awkward silence …
Big Brother says:
hahahha
Big Brother says:
i am thinking of questions
Big Brother says:
do not mock the process!
Big Brother says:
What would your ideal job be?
Big Brother says:
(some of my questions are gay, but let me get in my flow lol)
Rachelle says:
haha that’s all right. my ideal job would be … head of LVMH – but my blood’s not rich enough for that. Supermodel, editor of Vogue or just successful in the fashion industry with a writing career on the side.
Big Brother says:
What is LVMH?
Rachelle says:
Louis Vuitton Moet Hennesy
Big Brother says:
don’t shoot too low…
Rachelle says:
one of the big groups in that industry that owns brands/houses. Gucci Group is another. there are a few
Rachelle says:
lol
Big Brother says:
how do you feel about drinking and driving?
Rachelle says:
(a note on “ideal”: 2 a : existing as a mental image or in fancy or imagination only; broadly : lacking practicality b : relating to or constituting mental images, ideas , or conceptions)
Big Brother says:
ok
Rachelle says:
Drinking and driving is a necessary evil. Just kidding, I think it’s pretty horrible.
Rachelle says:
Joel?
Rachelle says:
Am I allowed to ask you a question in this interview?
Big Brother says:
yeah?
Big Brother says:
go ahead
Rachelle says:
How do you feel about drinking and riding bicycles?
Big Brother says:
Hahahhahahha.. low blow.
Rachelle says:
You’re right. I had flashes of your chin pictures and felt bad. Sorry.
Big Brother says:
I enjoy it and i’m not going to let a little blood get in my way
Big Brother says:
after all that doesn’t hold me back in sex, why should it in transportation?
Big Brother says:
ew that was gross sorry
Rachelle says:
we’re even
Big Brother says:
Are you working from home right now?
Rachelle says:
No, working from work.
Big Brother says:
(Rachelle works for microsoft)
Big Brother says:
Has anything shocking happened to your recently?
Rachelle says:
Hm, that’s a good question. Let me think.
Rachelle says:
I think I have to say no – I was on vacation all last week and it’s all sort of a blur before that.
Big Brother says:
Oh yeah, how was Lake Chelan>?
Rachelle says:
It was great. The quiet was actually disconcerting the first few days. A week later though I didn’t want to come home.
Big Brother says:
I bet
Big Brother says:
I’m still angry i wasn’t invited..
Rachelle says:
sorry joelio
Big Brother says:
ha.. i’ll forgive you someday
Big Brother says:
What do you think about the high school we attended together?
Rachelle says:
Ah Cascade Christian. I think it’s a sad, cold little school of deluded teachers, preying on the vulnerability of children at the height of their insecurity. But, finally, I’ve lost my pure hatred of it – anger to pity – natural progression.
Big Brother says:
If I told you you could magically make one person disappear off the earth, so that they never even existed, who would it be?
Rachelle says:
wow – Hitler would be the right answer but I’d be afraid the repercussions could possibly lead to my never being born (which we don’t want to happen), so I’d actually say someone current – Osama. In the hope that 9/11 / war / etc. might have been avoided – though that’s believing the hype that he was a kingpin etc….
Rachelle says:
good question
Big Brother says:
Anyone you have personally met?
Rachelle says:
Mrs. Huth? lol not really. Maybe my mom’s current husband.
Big Brother says:
Why him?
Rachelle says:
Because he’s not a very good man. And he’s not a happy man and he’s made my mom pretty well unhappy and pretty sick. She does half of it to herself, but we’d all be better off if he’d never entered her life.
Big Brother says:
That’s really shitty. For a modest fee, I will make him disappear for you
Big Brother says:
(this is my sales pitch by the way)
Rachelle says:
thanks Joel, you’re the best.
Big Brother says:
Where do you see me in 5 years?
Big Brother says:
(i’m going to turn this from an interview of you to a lovefest for me)
Rachelle says:
lol
Rachelle says:
Then: corner office, top floor, surrounded by beautiful women and pez.
Big Brother says:
mmmm… sweet, sweet pez
Big Brother says:
How about yourself?
Rachelle says:
In New York. At CondeNast, or LVMH or a lesser equivalent (Maven if we make that work). Established, published, in love, creating, happy and five years from a family.
Big Brother says:
do you want children?
Rachelle says:
yes
Big Brother says:
how many?
Big Brother says:
and by how many different fathers?
Rachelle says:
two or three (kids), one father of course. should the father not work out I don’t really see myself trying again with another.
Rachelle says:
do you want kids?
Big Brother says:
dozens. I’m going to start an army
Big Brother says:
my genes are going to spread like a virus throughout the population
Big Brother says:
in three generations, everyone will have a little Joel in them.
Rachelle says:
lol
Rachelle says:
that’s not the first time you’ve mentioned that. creepy joel.
Big Brother says:
Haha
Big Brother says:
Can you tell me what it is like to have been continuously in a relationship since you were in the 7th grade? What have you learned about people/relationships by doing so?
Rachelle says:
I love relationships. I was thinking about that the other day. I credit independence with self-growth/exploration for sure (I’ve had my stints), but being in a relationship is difficult, fulfilling and it surfaces your capabilities, incapabilities, OCD tendancies in my case – etc.
Rachelle says:
Both are important to have in life – I feel like I’ve had a balance, with more relationships than not, but not so much that I’ve missed out on independence.
Rachelle says:
If you have a healthy relationship with yourself, then relationships with other people can be extremely fulfilling. I’ve had a lonely life despite the long relationships. On the other hand – these people just arrived in my life and they were too good to let pass. The few were all perfect.
Rachelle says:
(Using silence so your subject keeps talking is a good interview tactic joel. Learned that in Journalism. I’m done now.)
Big Brother says:
🙂
Big Brother says:
I think you have a great perspective on relationships… i’m definetely still learning a lot lol
Big Brother says:
i am like an oversized toddler who breaks things
Big Brother says:
like shawn look-alikes
Rachelle says:
haha. aw – but see, chicks dig toddlers.
Big Brother says:
Who is your closest friend?
Rachelle says:
Benjamin. But Taylor if you exclude the bf.
Big Brother says:
Explain what your business does and how it is doing.. (FYI- Taylor is Rachelle’s business partner)
Rachelle says:
We are a boutique PR agency that represents, consults for and supports the growth of emerging businesses in creative industries. Clients include: clothing boutiques, jewelry designer, salon, musician, design team, etc. We connect the press with who/what’s upcoming in the city. We’re doing well but need to grow our number of clients. Days are too short.
Big Brother says:
Care to share your revenue numbers?
Rachelle says:
Nah. Probably not. Steady income for a part-time business.
Big Brother says:
(remind you to talk about something i’m doing in PR later)
Rachelle says:
k
Big Brother says:
What is the meaning of life as you see it? Any principles you hold that guide your actions?
Rachelle says:
I believe I have a lot to offer. The goal of my life is to offer it all. Principles: Do unto others (I should sacrifice less though). Fill myself knowledge, experience, wisdom, goodness, and the like. Create ¯¿½ that¯¿½s second in priority to raising children, though highest priority now. Live as fully, kindly, powerfully, hungrily and satisfied as life allows.
Rachelle says:
My goal is to live a balance of consumption and satiation. Want and gratitude.
Big Brother says:
Do you think you are living up to your goals now?
Rachelle says:
Yes. Good thing that being hungry is a goal though because I always am. Everything sort of cleared about two years ago. I grew up / realized / calmed down / became more comfortable and more sure.
Big Brother says:
Are you going to give birth naturally or by C-section?
Rachelle says:
lol hopefully naturally.
Rachelle says:
weird. let’s not talk about kids anymore.
Big Brother says:
haha
Big Brother says:
how much do you exercise a week?
Big Brother says:
and what motivates you?
Rachelle says:
I work about about five days a week. Everyday if I can. Being healthy and being hot motivate me.
Big Brother says:
I work out so I have big muscles for pummelling my little brothers
Big Brother says:
speaking of little brothers, what are your 4 bros up to?
Rachelle says:
Adam is at Western. Playing football and Halo and learning how to fend for himself for dinner. Brendan is at the Art Institute, learning how to cook dinner for a living. J & J are both in real estate related finance jobs that support their hi-fi lifestyle. It’s their birthday tomorrow.
Big Brother says:
I’ll give the twins a call
Big Brother says:
tell them happy b-day
Rachelle says:
Sounds good.
Big Brother says:
Do you have a hero? if so, who?
Rachelle says:
My future self.
Rachelle says:
(God – is arrogance generational, demographic or just a friend-requirement of yours?)
Big Brother says:
?
Big Brother says:
that jordan?
Rachelle says:
What? lol We’re confused.
Big Brother says:
is that a comment on my blog?
Big Brother says:
i vaguely remember jordan (who posts as God) saying that
Rachelle says:
nope. it’s a self-reflective comment and also one about you and your friends, and maybe your blog too. I was using ‘God’ as an interjection.
Big Brother says:
ahh
Big Brother says:
haha
Big Brother says:
I think all of my friends are pretty arrogant… but then they usually have the talent and accomplishments to back it up
Big Brother says:
Hey- You’re in to art and photography right and you are very self confident?
Rachelle says:
Yes …
Rachelle says:
(that was a hesitant yes by the way)
Big Brother says:
Did you see my interview of Arcadia?
Rachelle says:
no! I’ll have to read it. Didnt’ know you interviewed her.
Big Brother says:
Yeah, it’s actually pretty good. Anyways, she has agreed to allow me to post a semi-nude art photo of her on my blog. I was hoping you would be so kind as to do the same. And she isnt’ even a model.. you are!
Big Brother says:
😉
Rachelle says:
lol
Big Brother says:
c’mon
Big Brother says:
it’ll be funny
Rachelle says:
Sure, should I send you my rates now or later?
Big Brother says:
what is the rate for one picture?
Rachelle says:
How long will it take?
Big Brother says:
1 second
Big Brother says:
you make like 80/ hour modeling right?
Rachelle says:
$100/hr minimum
Big Brother says:
2.2 cents
Big Brother says:
deal
Big Brother says:
1 second at 100 an hour
Rachelle says:
you’re taking pictures these days?
Big Brother says:
yes
Big Brother says:
you saw my chin pics right?
Big Brother says:
i have talent!
Rachelle says:
lol
Rachelle says:
yes you do have talent joelio
Big Brother says:
😉
Big Brother says:
So is this agreement?
Rachelle says:
Unfortunately no.
Big Brother says:
:_(
Rachelle says:
Have you shot Arcadia yet?
Big Brother says:
not yet
Big Brother says:
she agreed to it though
Big Brother says:
perhaps a friendly wager?
Rachelle says:
listening
Big Brother says:
hmm
Big Brother says:
how about if i drink some wine at my new apartment and then ride my bike to your apartment? if i make it, i get to take pics
Big Brother says:
i won’t even fix my bike
Big Brother says:
I can edit the photos tastefully
Big Brother says:
you can have little leaves covering you
Big Brother says:
hahaha
Rachelle says:
that’s great Joel! sort of an Adam & Eve theme? could you do an airbrushed snake and maybe a hazy rainbow in the background? (you should look that up – I bet there’re great examples online)
Big Brother says:
hahhahhaha
Rachelle says:
I would but doubtful they’ll be work appropriate
Big Brother says:
how about if you just send me a nude photo you approve of?
Big Brother says:
that way it will be already tasteful by your standards
Big Brother says:
though i guess i would be missing out on the fun of taking the picture
Big Brother says:
and btw, sorry for being creepy
Big Brother says:
i just was so surprised arcadia agreed i thought i had to try with more people
Big Brother says:
maybe i’ll get some nude photos of fletch and jeremy too
Rachelle says:
ha – that’s okay. I know you well enough not to be thoroughly uncomfortable. I encourage you to try with more people – I’m turning you down now though.
Big Brother says:
“joel’s nude interviews”
Big Brother says:
i think i have a great theme
Rachelle says:
ha ha. that’s not as bad as the leaves
Big Brother says:
What is your vice of choice?
Rachelle says:
Red wine and a cigarette.
Big Brother says:
that sounds good
Big Brother says:
throw in some bread and cheese and we can be true yuppies
Big Brother says:
actually not yuppies so much as hipsters
Big Brother says:
i mix up my terms
Rachelle says:
Ah, hipsters.
Big Brother says:
What would be a worthy crime to go to prison for?
Rachelle says:
(side note and speaking of hipsters: have you been to the new Cha Cha? I highly recommend it. nice step up from the old one and just a sexy bar in general)
Big Brother says:
i actually haven’t yet.. i remember they were remodeling a while back
Big Brother says:
i’ll check it out
Big Brother says:
btw-I just wrote an negative review of CCS lol
Rachelle says:
lol send me the link. and I’m thinking on your last question
Big Brother says:
i haven’t published it yet..i am thinking of what else to add
Big Brother says:
and I’m doing a little SEO work on it
Big Brother says:
this baby is going to rank
Big Brother says:
but yes, answer my question
Rachelle says:
revenge (involving any felonious activity) or racketeering. that was tough though, I’m more scared of prison than hell.
Big Brother says:
Haha me too
Big Brother says:
I’d rather die than go.. that’s right coppers, watch out!
Rachelle says:
I think I agree with you there. Never realized that before. Thanks for the epiphany.
Big Brother says:
When you receive chemo therapy do you lose your pubes?
Rachelle says:
I would imagine so.
Rachelle says:
Dare I ask why you’re wondering?
Big Brother says:
just a random thought
Rachelle says:
guess what?
Big Brother says:
what?
Rachelle says:
my iPod died yesterday and you know what it did? it chirped. like a little dieing bird.
Rachelle says:
tell me how an iPod can chirp
Big Brother says:
hahhaha
Big Brother says:
really?
Big Brother says:
i didn’t even know they had speakers inside!
Rachelle says:
yes. it was a little distubing. (they don’t)
Big Brother says:
did the noise come from the headphones?
Rachelle says:
nope
Big Brother says:
creepy
Big Brother says:
you have a demon-possessed ipod!
Rachelle says:
yep
Rachelle says:
it’s also an antique. my little brother asked if it was, like, the original iPod or something.
Big Brother says:
lol
Big Brother says:
you’re sooo old rachelle
Rachelle says:
lol

Crazy Dreams

I had the weirdest dreams last night.

I dreamed I was a marine biologist in some absolutely crazy aquarium with fish and sharks I invented in my own head. There was one fish that was 20 tons and just looked like a big bit of gray dough and kept almost squishing me… and Freud would’ve had a field day with this one- there was a shark that if you were in his tank, he would show his domination over you by putting your head in his mouth, but not biting down and then squirting sperm on you and there were a bunch of little sharks that gnawed on your fingers like lapdogs but didn’t do any real damage.

Word of Mouth Marketing

The music industry today is facing enormous challenges. How do you market new bands and singers to people who no longer listen to the radio? MTV rarely plays music and when they do it’s prepackaged, bubble-wrapped remakes put out by established superstars. People in their twenties and early thirties listen to music almost exclusively on their Ipods and MP3 players and usually that music is ripped or illegally downloaded online. Focus groups, studies and other research have shown time and again that most people now make their musical selection based on word of mouth marketing/ viral marketing.

The old behemoths of advertising; radio, television and printed media are no longer nearly as effective as they used to be. Music companies have poured billions of dollars down this new black hole with little results and they are desperately looking for new methods. Many of these major media companies realize that they need to get involved in word of mouth advertising, but they have no clue how to do it. Major companies in other industries have stumbled badly when they attempted to control viral marketing; Wal-Mart secretly paid bloggers to write nice things and when they were outed it was a huge black eye. Dell’s poor customer service towards a major blogger led him to write an expose on them and caused severe brand damage. Bosley Medical harassed a patient so much he created a major negative website about them that has greatly harmed sales numbers and brand value. Obviously, music companies need to try to avoid similar problems.

Sadly, the music industry has not yet learned. By trying (and failing) to stick to their old model of selling music via albums in record stores, they have completely missed the new digital paradigm. To make matters worse, they have made vast swaths of the population their enemy by trying to fight for the old, obviously outdated ways. The music industry successfully sued and shut down Napster several years ago, only to watch in dismay as their steep decline in profits only steepened. Now they use spyware, traps and other shady methods to try to trap their own potential customers, creating enormous ill will and sending their brand values into uncharted negative territory.

Recently, Columbia Records has begun to see the light and hired Rick Rubin, a free-thinking man who could lead Columbia into the new age and bring Columbia monstrous profits if he handles it correctly. Rick Rubin understands that he needs to focus on word of mouth marketing, but does not yet know how to do it effectively. Viral marketing is a strategy that encourages people to tell their family and friends a marketing message.. and then have that message be strong enough that those people share it with their family and friends and it continues to spread. Apple has mastered this strategy. The way they built hype around the new iPhone and got people excited about it was sheer genius. Steve Jobs understands the power of the internet and it’s relation to communities of individuals and how to leverage both to completely dominate word-of-mouth marketing.

My advice to a theoretical unsigned musician who is trying to break his way onto the national scene would be to engage in an effective viral marketing campaign. How do you do that? Here are some basic steps to take in pushing a new album:

1. Have good music. Obvious requisite. But I have heard tons of good bands that are barely known in Seattle and no one knows of them elsewhere and that is who I am addressing.
2. Write/pick one really catchy tune, whether it be funny, sad, rockin’, whatever. The most important aspect of this song is that it be something people love or hate the first time they listen to it. Songs that exemplify this would be Tenacious D’s “Fuck her gently”, ACDC’s “Hells Bells” or David Bowie’s “Space Oddity”. All 3 songs are very simple songs that grab your attention and you either love or hate right away. The key here is to generate strong emotion in your audience.
3. Put the aforementioned song on your own website, on both your band and personal myspace page, on your facebook pags in an easy to use music player. For free. Yes, I know this means giving up some small profits right now, but consider it an investment in the future for when you are 60 years old and playing the Super Bowl with your wrinkles flying around. Include at least THREE more of your other hit songs for free on the same pages.
4. Now it is time to kick off the viral marketing/ word of mouth advertising campaign full blast. Ask everyone you have ever met to link to your website with the anchor text “new punk rock (or whatever you play) music by Emo Boyz (your band name here)”. You are engaging in what is known as “Search Engine Optimization”. This will help make your website come up first when people search for “new ___ music” or “new music”… which people do literally millions of times a month. It will also make your website come up first when people go to Google and type in your bands name after one of their friends says, “Hey, i heard the new Emo Boyz song and it was great/sucked”. If they can’t find you in 15 seconds, they will forget about you and move on. Add every possible person you can as a friend on facebook and myspace. Singers recently have started to hit it big, just by adding thousands of friends on myspace. If you don’t want the drudgery of adding tens of thousands of people by hand and sending each an individualized message, you can pay to use the services of a ‘bot’. Yes, they are annoying, but they can get you a several thousand friends very quickly. Place fliers everywhere you go- plaster your city in fliers advertising your next few gigs and have your website URL in big, bold letters on it. Ahh, I almost forgot- pick the SIMPLEST possible URL. The URL needs to be a .com, because people are retarded and always type that in. Emoboyz.com would be ideal. Every time you play a show, go to class, pick your nose, or talk to a girl, tell them about your website.

Results: What will happen when you do all of that?

The opinion of the masses is a ginormous ship that is very difficult to turn, but once you get it headed in your direction it will be unstoppable. The goal here is to make a quick emotional impression on people with your hit song. You want people to send the link of the song they just heard to their friends, either because they loved it or hated it (hate works too.. look at the popularity of certain sob stories/ urban legends on the internet). You want people to tell their friends your name.. once people hear the name enough times they will look you up either through conventional means if they are old school or just by Googling you like everyone else. The viral part of it comes when you start to hit a critical mass of people and enough opinion makers are mentioning your name that it starts to stick in peoples heads and they start to listen to you. In today’s world of mass internet access, it will happen very fast… you could become a YouTube sensation overnight with millions of views in a matter of days.

Hello, Tonight Show. Goodbye, shitty venues and no pay.

Appalachian State vs Michigan

What usually happens when a Division 2 team plays against a bigtime D-1 powerhouse? The D-2 team gets run over. As a matter of fact, a top 25 D-1 team has NEVER in history lost to a D-2 team. Typically, big schools schedule smaller ones for their first game of the season for a guaranteed win to get the fan base excited and to prep their guys in a glorified scrimmage.

Except for last Saturday. Michigan had paid $400,000 to Appalachian State to come play patsy in the Big House (nicknamed this because their stadium holds 120,000 fans, more than 30x as many than attend Appalachian State). Michigan was rated the #5 team in the nation, with many returning seniors who had turned down joining the NFL for a very legitimate chance to win the national championship. Nobody gave Appalachian State a chance in hell, but Appalachian State entered the game as the 2 time defending Division 2 national champions and owners of the longest winning streak in college football.

Enter drama. In front of 109,000 screaming Michigan fans, little Appalachian State pulled off the biggest upset in sports history. Yes, this is bigger than the U.S. hockey team beating the Soviet team (same level of players).

Joel: Homemaker

My grandma and I today went shopping and bought a ton of new furnishings for my apartment. I almost never buy new, I usually go hunting through thrift stores for all of my needs. However, this time I was able to get some good Memorial Day deals, so I bought:

-A big, white microwave,
-A “Torchiere” (fancy lamp)
-A vial of crack cocaine for my homeless buddies
-An upright vaccuum for cleaning my 20 sq ft of floor
-2 sets of dishes (one of which is broken and I have to return)
-A complete set of nice pots and pans
-A knife set, so I can stab myself
-A blow up doll for “companionship”
-A rug for my bathroom floor
-A cutesy fish for holding my toothbrushes

I am starting to feel like Edward Norton in Fight Club. My apartment looks like an Ikea catalogue. Maybe I should blow it up.

I have too many possessions, they are weighing me down. I don’t feel like a free little butterfly anymore. I have 2 enormous TVs (Who wants to buy one?), a mini-fridge, 2 computers, an ancient bed, a solid couch (thanks Melanie Dies), skis, tons of clothing, a broken bicycle (see my earlier post to view my accompanying smashed face), and a ottoman. I should quit my job, give away all my stuff except my bike and my big hiking backpack and go for a ride to the southern tip of South America.

Lia Shiala Interview

Lia is named after Lia Point. Yes, I know you were asking that question.

Lia is currently on drugs and does not feel clever, so please forgive her in advance.

Lia is a 20 year old 5th year senior at the University of Washington. She got in at the ripe young age of 16 years old, which is also the age of consent in the state of Washington. I would have been in the frat at that point, and I’m saddened I was unable to find her when she was still fresh and hadn’t yet had her soul crushed by evil. Her favorite quote is “the house of delusions is cheap to build, but drafty to live in.”

Joel: “Do you think I can drink this half gallon of milk?”

Lia: “No.”

Joel: “If I finish it in 20 minutes, can I put a topless photo of you up with the interview?”

Lia: “NO!!!!!”

Joel: “How about if I do it in 10 minutes and the photo is ‘tactfully edited’ and put a password on it?”

Lia: “Ummm…..Uhhh…. Fiiine…”

Joel: “I am the best negotiator ever.”

Lia: “I feel sick.”

Joel: “Why does God hate man?”

Lia: “He doesn’t.”

Joel: “Want me to steal you one of these 40″ computer screens?”

Lia: “No, the size of the screen doesn’t matter. I am satisfied with smaller.”

Joel: “Sounds sexual.”

Lia: “My opinions of size and sex are different than my opinions of the size of a computer screen.”

Joel: “I win! YAY! awww my stomach is full.”

Lia: “Tickle FIGHT!!!”

Joel: … Starts to sob…

Lia: “I hope you feel sick and awful”.. “I never even wanted to make a bet in the first place.. I hate you”

Joel: “Hehehehehhe”

*Photo coming as soon as I get my camera and come back*

Joel: “What is your IQ? What is your GPA?”

Lia: “IQ tests are not accurate and it doesn’t matter anyways. 3.82 in the honors program double majoring in Poli Sci and English.”

Joel: “No wonder you’re a fifth year senior… double major and a year abroad.”

Joel: “I’m full but I still feel thirsty.”

Lia: ” Want some milk?”

Joel: “Uggghh”

Lia: TICKLE JOEL

Joel: “Your boobs are going on my website! hahha”

Lia: “Uggggh”

Joel: “How many times have you been drunk in your life?”

Lia: “I haven’t counted.”

Joel: “What is your favorite movie on Youtube, since you’ve seen all of them?”

Lia: “There’s a movie of a cat.. a home movie.. and the guy makes a loud noise and the cat levitates up off the bed and shoots out and splats into the wall with it’s legs out and crashes. But I’m bad about favorites, I usually don’t have one. I have lots of thinigs I like in different genres, but not favorites. It’s kind of like the question ‘is shylock a victim or a villain?’ ”

Joel: ” … Who’s Shylock?”

Lia: Giggles in a judgemental way.

Lia: “Shylock is a Shakespeare character from the Merchant of Venice who is treated very badly, but is also a bad man. It’s a tragi-comedy.”

Lia: “Blah… blah blah blah”

Lia: “… You’re not writing this whole thing down are you?”

Joel: “No”

Lia: “Oh great. You’re just writing down the stuff that makes me look stupid.”

Joel: “No, I am trying to engage my audience first and then they can get to know the deeper Lia.”

Lia: “They wouldn’t like the real Lia?”

Joel: “Nope.”

Lia: “Misplaced modifiers are really funny.”

Joel: “How did you motivate yourself for the triathlon last week?”

Lia: “I’m a good swimmer, so I thought I could do it if I could get myself to run.. I can bike, but I don’t like running. A secondary, more personal motivation for me was talking to the mother of my friend who died and she wanted me to live my life in a better way, being inspired by Natalie’s memory. I really also feel like not being involved in competitive swimming anymore, it’s good to have fitness goals. So I had a goal to train for and work towards and it was helpful because I didn’t feel a lot of pressure to win. I let go of my fear of losing and pride, and just did my own thing. A great experience, although it did weaken my immune system for the mono to set in. I am a badass because I did a triathlon with mono haha.”

Joel: “It’s a good thing to have fitness goals. Congratulations.”

Lia: “I’m fading. (She currently has mono and tonsillitis)”

Joel: Okay, we can continue this later.

Lia: “No, I’m perking up a little bit. I can feel my half a vicodin kicking in.”

Joel: “Ok…”

Joel: “Double or nothing on the milk?”

Lia: “No.. no more gambling today.. I already lost enough.”

Joel: “If both Dan and Trevor (2 of her sorta ex-bf’s because they both moved away and not because anything “ended” perse) came here and propositioned you, which one would you pick?”

Lia: “Dan was always going to be a short-term relationship, he was a bit younger (18) and he’s about a year and a half younger. Dan and I were really compatible when we were with each other, but when he was with his friends he was really immature and it annoyed me. Trevor is about a year older and I know him really, really well. We dated for about two years and there is just stuff you know about people when you have been that close. He also is not quite so unrealistic.. Dan worshipped me, but Trevor had a more realistic view… I don’t think any person is worth the kind of attention Dan was giving me. I think it was really high intensity and it wouldn’t have lasted. So if I had to pick someone it would probably be Trevor.”

Joel: “What is a question that would incise into your soul?”

Lia: “Ask me how I feel about lying?”

Joel: “How do you feel about lying?”

Lia: “I think I’m more honest about lying than most people.. if you can say that. It’s not possible to be perfect. There are times when I do things and I think I should feel guilty, but I don’t. People would disagree with the way I think about things. Though I have really contradictory standards… I both lie and I’m honest about lying. The least healthy people are those who claim to not lie. That is why religion can be so bad- people don’t take responsibility for themselves, they make excuses. You live a much less fulfilling life if you can’t be accountable for yourself. My biggest strength is Intrapersonal intelligence; I know what is going on inside of me. ”

Joel: “I don’t feel guilty when I kill.”

Joel: “Did you ever play video or computer games?”

Lia: “Actually, yes. I once played Age of Empires 2 and I enjoyed it for the time I did. I am very self-conscious about playing video games because I wasn’t raised on it and people have a hard time teaching me about it because I have never even handled a controller. It is incredibly frustrating and I have even cried. The biggest fight Trevor and I have ever had were when we played the Band of Brothers game. I never quite forgave him for it. Though that isn’t what it was really about… it was because problems had built and built and the fight was more about the way we interacted and communication issues than his inability to teach me a video game lol.”

Lia: “Do you know that Led Zeppellin song “Communication Breakdown”? hahaha… I am amused at the lead singer when he isn’t singing, he doesn’t play the guitar, so he just stands there looking very awkward.”

Joel: ” Would you have sex with Ian McKellen? (The famous Shakespeare actor)”

Lia: “No, he’s gay.”

Joel: “What if he was straight?”

Lia: “Then yes, if he was a lot younger.”

WCFL Proposed Regulations

I’m playing in a fantasy football league with my friend Josh Cochran and he keeps coming up with new rules and regulations, so I decided to come up with a few of my own and send them out to the league. Here they are.

Proposed new league regulations:

1. A) Any GM not paying on time should receive 40 lashes from a “cat o’ nine tails” whip.
1. B)League commissioner will be responsible for the administration of this firm, but fair rule. In cases where league commissioner does not pay on time, each member of the league will personally administer 5 lashes.

2. Any GM suspected of making an unfair trade shall report before the WTO commission for sanctions.

3. If a GMs player commits a legal infraction (dog-fighting, betting, drug dealing, murder, etc.), that GM will be suspended for a length of time to be determined by the league commissioner. The purpose of this regulation is to promote the image of the league and ensure good hygiene. In cases where the league commssioner violates this rule, he shall by lynched by an unruly, vigilante mob.

4. Any GM who willfully defeats the Emotional Cripple’s team shall be subject to immediate, unprejudiced termination.

5. Any GM caught complaining about Regulations 1-5 shall be subject to $50 fines, payable to Emotional Cripple’s team.

Please cast your vote by emailing the League.