Coug Attack

By Joel Gross

Seattle, WA (REUTERS)- Around 8 PM (PST) yesterday evening, locals started calling in reports of a coug attack. The coug, 36, was sighted stalking young, innocent prey at Stix on Eastlake. The large female had her eyes on a man, 25, named Mbwana. After several beers, she was overheard saying such comments as, “I’m allergic to alcohol… it makes my clit vibrate” and “I masturbate in my car on the way to work” and “I’ll show you where you can put your stick”.

Mbwana managed to escape without injuries after a desperate fight to stop her drunken attempts to give him a lapdance and rub his legs. Observers helped pull the coug off of him and then the rescuers themselves were assaulted. The rescuers, a man and his girlfriend, were able to pacify the wild coug long enough to call a cab and send her off home.

Dr. Laurence Hughes, a coug expert, said the coug had probably been couped up for a long time and when she finally got some freedom, she went a little crazy. According to Hughes, in order to avoid setting off a coug people should not make eye contact or have sexually suggestive conversations. Hughes commented, “Coug attacks are dangerous and scary at times, especially when alcohol is involved.”

The incident yesterday was the third coug attack in Seattle during the month of June.

Amazing New People

Sorry about the delay in posts… I’ve been incredibly busy with Melanie lately. Anyways, this should be one of my more entertaining posts… Here goes. Fletcher, if this is too bland, screw you. 😉

Around a couple of weeks ago, I had made my last attempt to get back together with Becky (and got shot down like the Iraqi Air Farce) and I was feeling pretty low. I determined to try my luck on Craigslist again. I had tried to advertise on Craigslist once before and had a large positive response and had picked one girl (Stephanie) to go on a date with. It went really well at first, but three weeks into it (after I had told her I didn’t want a serious relationship) she started telling me she wanted me to marry her! Being a man, I was terrified and made an all-out retreat (I may have hurt some feelings along the way, for which I feel terrible). Below is the ad that I posted:

My Infomercial: 15 Reasons YOU should date ME!

All the other ads I’ve seen so far just seem to list out a bunch of facts about the guy posting (height, weight, ab size, car, penis size, etc.), so I thought I’d follow suit and put together my own list. Warning: some of the items are jokes (if you can’t figure out which ones, you probably shouldn’t email be emailing me…) Anyways, here goes:

15. I won’t send you pictures of my testicles before the first date. I usually wait till the third date for that sort of intimacy.
14. I would love to talk to you until late in the night about anything and everything: politics, religion, books, movies, music and what an awesome person I am.
13. I love try new things and go on new adventures and meet new people.
12. I probably won’t stalk you. 😉
11. I will not be fake with you, lie to you or mislead you. I am honest and trustworthy and my friends know they can trust their lives to me.
10. I don’t really play video or computer games (I’d rather spend my time accomplishing real goals).
9. You’re new purchase of me comes with the full warranty: I am financially and emotionally secure and stable. Warranty expires after 90 days.
8. I am tall, physically fit and have a passion for good food and conversation.
7. I am a recent graduate of the University of Washington and have a good job.
6. I recognize that people are the most important facet of my life; without those I care about, everything I do loses it’s luster. Thus I try to do what’s right and generally follow the Golden Rule.
5. My ten children are all very well behaved and respectful ever since I instituted the weekly shock therapy sessions.
4. I put the song “Space Oddity” by David Bowie on repeat every night I go to sleep to prevent the onset of homicidal insomnia. It’s the only thing that works.
3. I will take you to classy dinners, snuggle with you when you’re sleepy, celebrate with you when you succeed and console you when don’t. You will fall head over heels in love with me.
2. I am not afraid of commitment and will be very loyal if you’re the right person (and you will always know where you stand with me).
1. I am NOT the man in the picture below!!! (I had attached a picture of a giant, sweaty child molester with no neck.)

I got tons of responses to this ad. About half were instantly deleted due to mental or physical incompatibilities. There were also a few cougs; 35-50 year old women telling me someone as special as I am deserved a “mature woman who could match (my) intelligence”… *Shudders* I also received responses from 4 girls who were my age, pretty, educated and coherent. I called and talked to them for awhile and set up dates with each of them for consecutive days last week. I booked myself for every day between Tuesday and Saturday (had a date with a girl I met offline on Thursday). Completely ridiculous- I’ve never done anything like that before. Usually, I’m pretty shy and reserved around women, but I guess Craigslist can make things a lot more personal a lot faster. By the way, Craigslist is the greatest invention ever: I found my furniture there, my gorgeous new condo AND love. I recommend everyone to try it. No longer is Craigslist only for fatties, trannies and creepies… it’s mainstream now.

My first date on Tuesday was with a woman named Melanie. She is an interior designer working on Capitol Hill making pretty good money. We went to the Cha-Cha for drinks after work and she completely blew me away. After talking to her for 4 hours at the Cha I was smitten; she was very intelligent, hilarious, confident and completely uninhibited. I liked her so much that I cancelled the other dates I had planned for the rest of the week to focus on her. We have spent every single day (and almost every free hour) together since we met 9 days ago… it’s almost scary. She is a superb chef (Ian, you have a rival), open, tons of fun and knows how to drink. Last weekend, she and I went up to Vancouver together to visit her newly-minted lesbian friend and her lover. Those two girls were a ton of fun and took us out partying downtown to an irish bar then a club (Celebrities). I have put up all my pictures from the weekend on Picasa here:

Melanie and I are planning on either going to Lake Chelan tomorrow with some friends or staying at her fancy apartment in Lynnwood and going on day trips. We both took Monday off of work, so it’s going to be 3 days of awesomeness!

“The 25 Most Exquisitely Sad Songs”

I was working a couple weeks ago and was doing some research on the site and they had a link to this list of the “The 25 Most Exquisitely Sad Songs“- a compilation of the saddest songs according to the reviewers at Spinner. You can play each song on the site, so I listened to the whole list while I was working… most of them are good, here’s my analysis (asterisks are stars):

25. “The River” by Bruce Springsteen. ** Poor wedding

24. “Nothing Compares 2 U” by Sinead O’Connor **** Broken hearted lover

23. “No Surprises” by Radiohead *** Suicide

22. “A Change is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke * Poor folks

21. “Space Oddity” by David Bowie… *****Astronaughty awesomeness

20. “That’s the way I’ve Always Heard It Should Be” by Carly Simon *** Longest song title ever.

19. “Lost Cause” by Beck **** Sometimes surrender is best

18. “I’ve Gotta Get a Message to You” by Bee Gees *** Man executed while yearning

17. “Back to Black” by Amy Winehouse *** Lover goes back to ex

16. “Shilo” by Neil Diamond ** Imaginary friends keep me company too

15. “My Mom”by Chocolate Genius * Alzeimers is a bitch

14. “Anyone Who Had a Heart” by Dionne Warwick **

13. “Naked as we Came” by Iron & Wine *** Hopefully, I die before those i care for

12. “In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning” by Frank Sinatra **** I Love Frank

11. “Brick” by Ben Folds Five **** Christmas Abortion

10. “In the Real World” by Roy Orbison ** Hope dies in the real world.

9. “Concrete Angel” by Martina McBride *** Child abusers need a big dose of death

8. “Dance With My Father” by Luther Vandross **** Don’t get me started on missing fathers

7. “Hallelujah” by Jeff Buckley *** Love isn’t always easy.. actually is it ever easy?

6. “He Stopped Loving Her Today” by George Jones ***** Man loves lady till he dies

5. “I Know It’s Over” by The Smiths *** Loneliness

4. “Hurt” by Johnny Cash ** The 9 Inch Nails did it better originally

3. “Eleanor Rigby” by The Beatles ***** Who are the Beatles again?

2. “Gloomy Sunday” by Billie Holiday ** Lost loved one, semi-suicidal

1. “Chicken Wire”by the Pernice Brothers **** Suicide with a drink in her hand.

Weekend fun

Once again, I had a really enjoyable weekend. I spent most of it out playing in the sun and hanging out with my friends. On Friday I did a ton of exercise even though I was still sore from my workout with Fletch on Thursday; I rode my bike to work, ran for an hour at lunch and rode my bike home and then rode it over to Fletcher’s house in the evening. Later that night, the blue grass house and some of their friends had a garden party on campus where everyone dressed up nice and danced and drank wine and ate tasty food by candle light.

Saturday, Ashley helped me put my new seat on my bike. My roommate, Brent, had a birthday party at our condo and had lots of people come through throughout the afternoon and evening. Brent is very well connected and his friends were all interesting people. The director of the Seattle Men’s Chorus, the producer for Evening Magazine, the director of business travel for Weyerhauser/President of the Business Travel association (Brent was late for a flight once and she called the airline and they held the plane on the tarmac for him), Fox Sports Network anchorwoman, the vice president of product development for accenture, a german business owner (w/ $155 million in revenues last year) and a whole train of lawyers all came by. A big group of us stayed up late barbecuing and talking and drinking.

Yesterday (Sunday), I went to Alki Beach with Nick and a bunch of his friends and played volleyball all day in the hot sun. Last night was Fletcher’s big birthday dinner. We went to the new French restaurant Ian works at downtown, Campagne. It was pretty expensive, but well worth it. The food was some of the best I’ve had and we (Fletcher, me, Ashley, Ben, Ian and Diane) had great conversation all night. I think we were there for around four hours just talking and having fun. I must say this birthday was a lot classier than Fletch’s birthday last year when everybody got drunk and then went to a sushi restaurant and had a food fight lol. I’ll be putting up some pictures from last night when I get home tonight.

I have been reading a pretty interesting fictional book given to me by Ashley- “Geek Love” about a family of traveling carnies. The parents had purposely taken all sorts of drugs in order to have children who were “special”- Siamese twins, hunchbacks, scaly skin and other weird genetic abnormalties. I am about 3/4 of the way through it and I am both repulsed and fascinated by the author’s depiction of their life and the themes she pounds on.

I need to head to work now… there’ll be more to come later.

Google Street View

Google’s newest gadget has just blown me away. Not satisfied with close up satellite and aerial imagery from Google Maps? Well, now you can get a street-level view of the action! They have mapped every street in several major metropolitan areas now and will soon be bringing it to other areas. Go check it out- you can look and zoom in any direction!

I am actually pretty creeped out by the potential abuses of this system. Google is getting to be too powerful and is having too much of a Big Brother type influence. Their stated goal is to organize all of the world’s information. If they become the primary source for information, they will wield far too much power. I personally think they already wield far too much power. Think about this: when you are researching making a purchase online, you usually start with Google right? That means that the #1 search result position is worth billions of dollars on some searches (mortgage, clothes, porn, etc.) Google can choose to direct, or not direct, billions of dollars of business at your website. When looked at as an aggregate whole, Google has far too much control on the online sales- an industry worth trillions. Not only can Google decide what sites you purchase from, they can choose what information to display about political opinions, situations, etc. Let’s say a presidential candidate badmouths Google… they could choose not to display any relevant information about him, thus making him irrelevant in today’s connected world.

Google makes me nervous.

Update: Memorial Day Weekend up till now

Friday night I went to the underwear party, which was a lot of fun. If you want to see the pictures of the wild event, I posted them on Picasa here. If I posted any pictures you don’t like, please email me and I will remove them. Please keep in mind though that I have no labeled any of them, so no one will ever find them except by going through this site, which means it will only be friends (and not employers). I had a lot of fun dancing the night away. Andy, Fletcher and Ashley all had great costumes, respectively “Dick in a box”, “Gay Pirate” and “Nip Tape”.

Saturday I went to dinner with Nick and then headed over to Scottie B.’s BBQ where he made me some of his very hard margaritas. Nick pooped out early, but Scott and I and a bunch of his friends went over to one of his musician friends cool place on Capitol Hill. She had a huge corner apartment with a great view and a trendy decorating scheme. Plus she was hot :). Later, the whole group went to Havana (a fun hipster club) and partied there for the rest of the night, till Scott and I caught a cab home.

Sunday, Fletcher and I went and did a half-assed workout because we were both hung over, then he came over to my new condo and we cooked the best pasta I’ve ever made and watched Finding Forrester (a decent movie). He tried to do homework and I tried to build sites, but neither of us got very far. That evening, we went to the Killers show at the WaMu Theater attached to Qwest Field. I couldn’t hear shit for two days after that, but I had fun. Some homeless guy was scalping tickets and they looked legit and he said one of us could go in and see if it worked and if it did, the other guy would pay him and then go in. So Fletch went in without incident and I paid the guy and took my ticket, but when I tried to get in the people at the entrance scanned it and said it had been refunded. I have a pretty good bullshit detector, so congrats to this guy on a successful scam. I had to go buy a new ticket to get in, so it ended up being a $100 show. Whatever, I enjoyed it.

Monday I went to lunch and saw Pirates 3 with a friend, but ended up having a pretty bad night.

The rest of the week I have pretty much hung out with Fletch every day and played a lot of chess with Andy trying to pass the time till I start to feel better. I’ve also noticed that Fletch has been having lots of women chasing him lately and I have been trying to figure out how he does it. When we lived together I never really saw that happen. My personal theory is that it’s a combination of his approach to women and the fact that he has been getting into much better shape lately (I give myself credit as his personal trainer ;)). Fletcher generally just wants to be friends with most girls, flirts a little and then holds them at bay, which drives them wild. It’s the other side of the old saying, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. Or I could be completely wrong, I don’t know. I am still not great at understanding women… any thoughts?

Tonight I am debating either going home to visit my grandma and brothers or perhaps going clubbing with some friends. Tomorrow I probably will attend my new roommates birthday events, though I don’t have any evening plans yet.


Last night I went over to Scottie B.’s house for a bbq and later went out with him and a group of his friends to clubs on Capitol Hill. I liked Havana a lot; there was a pretty good hipster scene there and a fun dance floor. I think my dancing is finally starting to improve (or at least my confidence is! ;)) I still have quite a ways to go, but it’s entertaining. Anybody know of any other cool clubs or events coming up soon in Seattle?