Mattel is releasing a new action figure named “Businessman!”. When interviewed as to why Mattel is releasing such a seemingly boring action figure as Businessman, CEO Clark Kent responded, ” In today’s extraordinarily harsh economic environment, it’s important to give the 8-5 peons of the working class and their snotty kids a role model to look up to.”
Businessman is said to be modeled after Hasbro’s successful line of toys, GI Joe’s. Mattel believes that people are tired of war after the two recent semi-failed campaigns in the Middle East and want a different kind of hero. Businessman has several features: his body is only maneuverable between sitting and standing positions (unless you buy Yogi Businessman for $5 more). He also has only one facial expression: brilliant smile. No matter if he’s happy, angry, or about to fire someone, Businessman is always fake cheerful.
Businessman comes with a line of accessories* including:
- Blonde trophy wife
- Hot secretary to cheat on his wife with
- Legal pad
- Armani suit
- Mercedes-Benz CLK 500
*Businessman does not come with batteries or a soul
Mattel also explained that their team of creative writers came up with the following phrases for Businessman when you push the button on his back:
- “Yes sir, you are absolutely right about that!”
- “If we connect the dots while thinking outside the box, we will get the low-hanging fruit.”
- “BusinessMaaaan! I leap higher than a towering stack of paperwork!”
- “My wife left me for my boss, than he fired me.”
- “I can’t tell you that, it’s a trade secret”.
- “I need a sick day, my carpal tunnel disease is acting up again.”
- “After ten shots at happy hour yesterday, I groped my secretary and now she’s suing.”
- “When I was 12, I wanted to be a fireman.”
Although Mattel expects their new Businessman! line of products to sell well, early reports say sales in toy stores are very slow.