When I take over my duties as King of America, I will be instituting a series of policies meant to resolve the major issues facing our nation today. Today, I am going to discuss my beautiful solution that kills two big problems with one stone: Crime and lack of entertainment.
America right now has over 2.2 million people currently in prison. Violent crime continues to be a problem all over the country. Murders, assaults, rapes, and other crime rates soar far above much of the rest of the world. Don’t worry though, King of America has a radical solution to this problem.
The entertainment industry in America holds a strangehold over media and really sucks. Who in the hell watches all those crummy new reality shows or the boring American Idol spinoffs or one of thousands of baseball and basketball games? Football and high quality movies are the only form of entertainment worth our time right now and even these can get boring. How can we hype the entertainment industry up to never-before-seen levels? King of America has a solution.
What is the King of America’s solution to these issues? Two word:
Yes, I will bring back the greatest sport in human history. No form of entertainment can provide you with more human drama, excitement, highs, lows and passion that this truest form of reality TV can. Who will fight? Violent criminals- we will empty out our prison system by turning them into gladiators. People who volunteer will also be accepted. The prizes for winning will be cash and a reduced prison sentence (and in some cases, your life). “The Contender”, a boxing reality show, is a big hit among men. Boxing is pretty boring though, wouldn’t you far rather cheer for your favorite reality star as he fights to the death in the arena of combat against lions or other men? The emotional drama would be hundreds of times more intense then any other form of entertainment currently produced. I expect the first few fights to be televised on a pay-per-view basis worldwide with a cost of $49.99. People will tell their friends they consider it immoral, but curiousity and bloodlust will get the best of them. I expect to have around 100 million viewers for the first showing. The $5 billion in revenue will be used to help orphans hospitals, thus giving moral justification. Many people will denounce my policy as inhumane; these people will quickly quiet down when they find themselves in the arena facing hardened murderers. I have all the bases covered, there is no logical objections to my policy…. Is there?
Potential entertainment shows:
Historical combat: We wil bring back the Roman Coliseum in all it’s glory. Men will fight in period costumes and re-enact period battles. Historians will be brought in to discuss how things actually were between contests.
Ultimate Survivor: 20 vicious convicts thrown onto an island. Producers will do full backstories on each of them to involve the audience. Over a period of several weeks, the men will hunt each other down, making and breaking alliances along the way. They will also have to hunt for their own food without any modern equipment. Winner gets $1 million and his crimes pardoned.
The Terminator Maze: One well-trained bodybuilder will be given a sword and shield and sent into a maze full of unarmed child molestors and rapists. If he can fight his way through, he wins a million dollars. If the child molestors win, the survivors will be allowed to compete in the regular gladitorial contests and perhaps one day win there freedom (though they will be castrated).
War: Many criminals are used to stage large battles, with weaponry varying from ancient to modern. Maybe we’ll pit a single F-22 fighter jet against 150 Korean War era fighters. Or perhaps re-enact the battle of Thermopylae: Empty out our prisons of Persians and have them fight the Greek prisoners (who will be trained in phalanx combat).
-People will be more entertained then they have at any point in history. The Coliseum was cool, but they didn’t have high definition with broadcasters commentating on the action did they? They didn’t have video profiles and backgrounds on the competitors to emphasize the human drama either. I will build stadiums capable of holding hundreds of thousands of spectators watching land, air and sea battles. There will be a television network 100x as large as ESPN.
-Trillions of dollars will be made and much of it will be donated to humanitarian causes, such as curing cancer and AIDs.
-Our overwhelmed prison system will be emptied out as people are thrown into combat.
-New crimes will go greatly down. Who will embezzle a few thousand dollars from their company if they know that they will have to be one of the hundreds of men charging into a hail of machine gun fire in a re-enactment of World War1?