Evel Knievel Has Passed Away

Today, the legendary Evel Knievel died of heart problems. He was 69.

A great man has passed away and everyone needs to remember his incredible feats. Who has accomplished more for mankind than the man who tried to jump the Grand Canyon with a rocket-propelled motorcycle? Who has loved life more than the man who laid it all on the line for that wonderful jolt of adrenaline most of us get from driving in traffic?

I think we should all have a few beers for Evel Knievel tonight and go do some wild stunts in his memory.

Remember the fallen.

Pioneer Square Office

The wonderful thing about working in Pioneer Square is all the diverse crazies. I just looked at my window and watched a very drunk man peer around him, then whip it out between two white minivans parallel parked along Jackson and pee all over the street. As my coworkers and I watched and laughed his pee puddle trickled back down to his foot and he shuffled in a little half circle around it. I dubbed this “the drunken pee dance”. I’m going to break it out at a club tonight.

Brett Favre and the Zodiac Killer

After work yesterday, I walked up the Fox Sports Grill on 5th & Pike in downtown Seattle and watched the Cowboys-Packers game with Nick Fitzer and a bunch of his friends. The Dallas Cowboys won, while Brett Favre went down with an injured arm. I don’t usually watch much sports and I think it was more entertaining to watch the crowds of office denizens yell at the plasma televisions in the bar and each other than the game itself.

Post game, Nick and his buddies and I went to one of his friend’s condos to watch the Zodiac. The film is a true story about a killer who sent newspapers letters and puzzles about his identity and his murders. Red tape and problems with evidence let him stay free until he died of a heart attack fifteen years later.

I didn’t get home till after midnight and my corporate slaving butt had to get up early, so I’m a bit tired today. I will take a nap after work before I do anything.

Joel’s Primary Search Traffic

I get traffic from search queries on Google. Below are the keywords that send the most people to joelx.com.

# % Query Position
1 10.00% nudedaddy 4
2 10.00% jason robinett 8
3 8.00% earl paulk 7
4 8.00% efficeient 8
5 5.00% shannon schreiber 1
6 5.00% broadstripe sucks 1
7 5.00% omi sushi seattle 1
8 5.00% mark rody 2
9 5.00% khodorkovsk 3
10 5.00% no such thing as former kgb 4
11 5.00% sunday late night specials at the ram restaurant puyallup 4
12 5.00% mr cascade christian 5
13 5.00% rachelle robinett 5
14 5.00% fugly conture 7
15 5.00% christian reviews fletch 11
16 5.00% chris bowker 14
17 5.00% earl paulk 25

Nudedaddy.. how many pervs are out there misspelling words?!? hahaha

Lori Drew: Evil Psycho

A 47 year old mother, Lori Drew, was angry at a 13 year old girl who had snubbed her daughter, so Lori Drew created a fake MySpace profile of a good looking boy and had the boy become the 13 year old’s online boyfriend. They dated for a month, then Lori Drew started sending mean messages to the girl. One message said, “The world would be a better place without you.” Within an hour, the 13 year old girl had hanged herself with a belt in her closet.

Lori Drew did not break any laws and cannot be prosecuted, even though her vile premeditated actions were intended to hurt the girl. I am not sure I can come up with a universal law that will apply to this situation, but once again, I think that this is a strong indication that I need to be King of America. I would pit Lori Drew in a pay-per-view match to the death with Pat Robertson. Winner gets a surprise crucifixion.

Lori Drew is definitely in the running for World’s Most Evil Bitch.

King of America: Policy on the Homeless

Living near Pioneer Square gives me an intimate knowledge of the many varieties of bums. Too intimate in my opinion. Yesterday, a short Native American drunk came up to my friend and I as we sat on a park bench and tried talking in very slurred words. I shooed him on his way. He kept trying to talk, so I kept saying, “Shoo shoo, keep moving. We don’t want to talk to you.” The bum got pissed and put up his hands like he wanted to box me, but I just kept shooing him. He eventually wandered off down the street, to go pee on a lamppost or beg for change or harass other innocent bystanders.

Bums are everywhere. There are the bums who sit on the road begging for change, bums who sleep in the doorways of buildings, bums who are drunk or high, bums who are aggressive and bums who combine all of the above. Homelessness is a real problem in major cities and can be caused by many things; mental illness, drug and alcohol abuse, broken homes, laziness and stupidity. Some people just are not capable of independence. However, I have a solution: Homeless cities.

Chronically homeless people (those who have slept on the streets for 3 months or more) will have the option of becoming wards of the state and moved to special cities that are designed to help them live. All will be required to work gainfully in factories or farms attached to the cities and will be monitored at all times. No alcohol or drugs will be allowed and all the bums will be neutered so we don’t have any bum babies running around. Anyone who has been living on the streets for more than two years will be required to move to these areas. Before anyone is taken to a homeless city, they will be tested for mental illnesses. If they are mentally ill, they will be neutered and placed in a mental hospital for the rest of their lives.

The homeless cities will force the homeless to work for their food and shelter. They will be well supervised and will have someone in charge to keep them in line at all times. After working for one year and saving a minimum of $30,000, the homeless will have the option of rejoining regular society or remaining in the homeless city. Anyone who refuses to work in the homeless city will be allowed to starve. If you don’t contribute to your society, you don’t deserve to belong.

My solution may seem harsh, but it will motivate many people to get jobs and force them to quit abusing alcohol and drugs. I think it’s about time that we stop thinking about how sorry we feel for bums and start to feel sorry for those who get harassed by bums.