Flag football Playoff Game

The team we played tonight in the first game of the playoffs had 12 players in matching jerseys; Griffith Gladiators embroidered on the front and their last names on their backs. They all had their girlfriends and other friends watching them in a big cheering section, while we just had ourselves. Our team had 8 guys (7 of which are on the field at any one time) in ragtag outfits. I forgot that I was supposed to wear a dark colored shirt and so I didn’t get any passes during the game because I looked like the opponents.

Our team got down 13-0 early in the game and we were on defense with me playing the guy who rushes the QB. Their QB is a cocky bastard named Chad who played on my team over the summer. They had us on the goal line with 4 downs, but I sacked the QB on the first play, made him hurry the second and batted down his fourth down pass. I kept after him all game, watching his eyes to see where he was going to throw it and sacked him 2 more times and batted down another 4 passes, while making him so frustrated he started throwing side arm to try to get it around me or lobbing it high up in the air for interceptions. Our team went on to score 5 touchdowns in a row, while shutting them completely down on defense. Most games, you are lucky to stop an offense once or twice and you may get an interception or two. Instead, our team 4 and outed them every time.

We have our next game next Sunday and if we win the first one, we will play again immediately for the championship in a double-header. Anyone interested is welcome to come and watch. They haven’t posted the game time yet, but the schedule is here.


Some people say that money is the root of all evil. Those people are wrong. Money is simply a representation of man’s labor. Money is a tool that enables one man to create a good or service and then voluntarily trade it for another man’s good or service. A man who earns his fortune deserves it and should be proud of his virtue that is represented by the money he made. A man who inherits a fortune starts at the same place as one who inherits nothing; he can make it grow and expand if he is wise, or he will lose it if he is foolish. A small man will not keep a large fortune. Free money is the only money that could be considered bad; giving someone what they have not earned flies in the face of nature. Taking a man’s earnings through taxes and fear of guns or imprisonment or fear of burning in hell is wicked.

I didn’t start with much, but I intend to go out and make as much money as my abilities will allow me to. A byproduct of my making money will be the benefit that I provide to the world around me, whether it be in the form of a new invention or a better way of mass producing an old one.


Once, I cheerfully awaited her constant calls. Every text message received was instantly replied to. We talked constantly from the time we woke up, till sleep hit us at night. We spent dozens of hours on the phone. Stolen lunches and nights were spent wrapped up in each others arms. Snuggling was tight and comfortable and happy.
Somehow, things started to go wrong and we grew distant. Calls were fewer between and the conversations became cool and uncomfortable frustrations grew. Incidences cropped up between us and minor annoyances from things we did (or didn’t do) multiplied. Now she hardly responds to my far fewer calls and texts. Passion cools and the formerly vibrant emotional connection begins to crack and break.

Flag Football Playoffs

Tonight is the first game in my flag football playoffs. My team, the Screamin’ Eagles, is 3-3 and matched up against the 5-1 Griffith Gladiators. I really want to win this game, because it is against some of the guys who were on my team this summer. Their quarterback, Chad, is a cocky man with a rifle arm (I broke my right ring finger catching one of his bullets). He, along with a couple of the other guys, played college ball. Probably a third of the guys in the league played in college. Some of them are from bigtime Division-1 programs like Pittsburgh, Miami, Texas, Washington, WSU, Ohio State, etc. It can get very competitive and is tons of fun. The Griffith Gladiators beat us early in the season, so we know this is going to be a tough game.

Halloween Part Dos: Who are these people?!

Scottie B had a big halloween party at his house by Ravenna last night that Fletcher and I attended. Fletch went as the 70’s porn star again and I also stuck with my unwholesome priest outfit. Scottie B was a hilarious looking David Bowie, complete with wig, makeup and really tight pants.

When I first arrived at the party, a “mile high club” stewardess and a slutty maid came up to me and said that they knew me. I had no idea who they were. I sometimes forget how many acquaintances I have; tons of people kept coming up to me at the party that I didn’t really remember and talking to me like I was their best friend. I asked the stewardess where she knew me from and she said, “Becky”. She said that I had been party hopping with Fletch and Becky about a year ago and had gone to her house. Her name was Katie and I then remembered that she was supposed to be one of Becky’s good friends. Then she mentioned that she knew how Becky and I had broken up… really awkward (I stole her email password and she found out)… Katie kept talking to me though and started to become flirtatious. I was blown away- what the hell? I dated your good friend and it ended very badly, but you are interested?!?! Too weird for me, I excused myself and went to talk to other people.

I was out in the living room, looking at all the outfits, when Scott and a couple of girls came up to me and told me to follow them to do a “waterfall”. I didn’t know what this was and so I said sure and followed them. I was handed two red keg cups, one half full of beer and the other half full of some clear liquid and instructed to pour the beer into the clear liquid and then pound. I sniffed the clear liquid and it smelled vaguely of mouthwash and I thought it was probably a shot of some liqueur mixed with at least 4 shots of water. One of the girls yelled, “Pound!” so I dropped the beer into the mix and then drank it. When I was finished, I felt like I had eaten a whole tube of toothpaste and I asked, “What the hell was that?” They pointed to a bottle in a brown paper sack. I pulled it out and it was 100 proof Rumple Minze. I had just pounded about 5 shots of hard booze. Ugh. I didn’t want to drink much, so when my stomach started to burn and rumble two minutes later, I was more than happy to go outside and empty that nasty shit out of my belly outside.

I came back inside with a terrible taste in my mouth, but at least I wouldn’t be hungover today. Fletch came and found me and said that he and Rachel (who dressed in a bride’s gown covered in blood with a big knife) were going to go to the hippy party and that if I wanted to join them, I had to leave then. I decided I’d stay and hang out for a while more and then walk up the hill to join them.

All night long, a smoking hot “soccer ref” had kept telling me that she knew me from somewhere. I told her it was probably just one of Scott’s parties, but she kept at it. The situation started to get weird when she kept following me from room to room, talking to me and hanging onto my arm and complimenting me… all while her boyfriend kept looking uncomfortable and watching us. I felt bad for the guy and would politely separate her from me and go talk to other people, but she kept finding her way back to me to talk. I forgot my digital camera at home, but I had been taking photos of people with my cell phone camera. She wanted me to take a picture of the two of us, so I took one, but she said it was too dark and we needed to go into a brighter room. I followed her into the kitchen and held out the camera phone and took the picture. I could feel her holding me really tight and kind of doing something weird. When I looked at the picture I was doing my funny priest pose, but she wasn’t looking at the camera, her face was pointed up towards mine looking to be kissed. Why do women always seem to come after you when you are in a relationship and ignore you when you are looking? Anyways, I ditched her at this point and decided that I should leave for the hippy party. I made my rounds saying good-bye to everyone and when I was about to leave, she found me again and told me that we had to figure out how we knew each other and put her number in my cell phone and called herself (presumably so she’d have my number). She gave me a giant hug then and as she was hanging on, I looked up and saw her boyfriend watching us… poor guy.

I walked up the hill to the hippy party, but Fletch and Rachel had already left, so I just said hi to some folks and started to walk back to my car. On my way, this girl who sort of looked like Melanie (short black hair, cute, hipster) started talking to me and we joked back and forth about each others outfits for a little bit. She seemed nice, but as I kept walking, I started to realize that she was following me. When I got to my car, we stopped and she asked me where I was going and I said home. She just stood there watching me uncomfortably for a second and I said, “Have a great halloween, bye” and she replied, “Oh… you’re lame. Want to go party at my place?”

“… Um… Thanks, but I should go home.” I met this girl 10 minutes ago randomly on the street and she wants me to go with her?!

I must’ve been putting off some crazy sex pheromones or maybe it being halloween put something in the air last night. I wonder if this is how girls feel when guys aggressively pursue them; I was faintly scared that I was going to be assaulted… and I am a giant man. Women must be scared to death half the time. If I was a girl, I’d carry a gun or Mace.

The 1st day of Halloween

God is kind.

Halloween falls on a Wednesday this year, meaning that we get two full weekends, plus Halloween itself to celebrate… 5 days all told.

Fletcher and I began our Satan worship last night by going to a house party hosted by one of his girlfriend’s friends. Below is a description of our descent into madness.


I went as a dirty priest.


Fletcher was a sleazy 70s porn star. He had a sketchy mustache he had been working on for almost a month.


Partners in sleaze… note the fishnet stockings I have on. Great priest, eh?


Fletcher is way, way too good at this whole sleazy thing. He soaked himself in cheap cologne and no one would stand next to him at the party. I told him he better not do the same thing tonight.


Yes, those are my heart boxers… “Want to see God’s Love?”


Geez, just looking at him makes me feel dirty. Ew.


“Let me lay my hands on you. I can make miracles happen with the help of my homeboy, Jesus. By the way, have you read the great book ‘Our Bodies: An Unexplored Link to God’?”


“I love you and so does Jesus. Where is the little boys’ room?”


A priest helps an uncaring New York woman understand the depths of her depravity.


Satori, the gypsy woman, learns about the ways of the righteous.


The creepy 70’s porn star enjoyed photographing this poor goddess’s breast almost falling out.


Hmm… I think the crazy one needs to cum to God.


Everywhere I go, this man follows me. I think he’s a witch doctor. BURN HIM!


These women unfortunately had to ride home with the two Kings of Sleaze.


Weird dudes.


A heathen Viking, that needs to be brought into the warm welcoming arms of the Catholic Church. Either that, or hacked to death with a sword.




Do I look like a child molestor or what?


The religious man trying to avoid the seductions of a heathen goddess.

Tonight, I venture out to my friend Scottie B’s house party and perhaps to a hippy party or clubs downtown!!!

I think Halloween is my new favorite holiday. At least, till Thanksgiving comes round.

King of America

I have decided that I am going to be the first King of America.

King of America will be a new branch of the government like the Presidency, Supreme Court and Legislature; only it will reside above these. Why do we need a new branch of the government you ask? Every so often someone needs to just step up and make decisions without worrying about what anyone thinks. President Bush has almost turned the presidency into a kingship, but it seems like people are rejecting his plan. A true, straightforward king is needed. He doesn’t need to do much, just relax and make sure the people are having fun and no one gets too out of line. The fact that England gets to have royalty and America doesn’t is outrageous… after all we invented Wal-Mart, freedom fries, asian people, Pat Robertson, reality television, sunshine and carpet bombinb.

Why should I be King of America? I am ideally fitted for the job: I can make brash, harsh, vicious decisions whenever called upon. I have no problem throwing people in prison for life for farting at an inappropriate time or having them beheaded for looking at me funny. I plan on instituting gladitorial combat for the entertainment of the masses. I will declare my close supporters as title holders. For instance, Fletcher is going to be Liege Lord of California. Also, I will throw some bones to the common man. Weirdos and opposition parties will have an annual “open season”- one weeks time in which any God-fearing American can hunt and kill them without consequences. The Westboro Baptist Church, Pat Robertson, Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints, and Justin Gross (who just dropped a class) will be targets of the inaugural festivities. I will have reality TV crews following all groups around during the period. Each of them gets a half hour headstart, then all the rednecks and hillbillies get to load up their shotgun-toting truck caravans and head out. It’ll be really entertaining when all the families of soldiers’ who had their funerals protested finally get their vengeance.

How can we change the current system to make me King of America? Simple. I’ll do it the same way many dictators have taken power- you elect me president and I declare myself King. Once I am King, I will allow new elections for a President to run the everyday government so I can focus on blowing things up.

Why should Joel be uncontested King of America? I don’t think it’s fair to just appoint myself to this position, it must be fought for and won. Hence, I am today declaring my candidacy for the position. Any opposition that has the balls to step forward, please do. Keep in mind that I fight really, really dirty though.

BCS Blows

The current methodology of ranking college football teams, the BCS standings is a travesty. A computer formula that incorporates a human poll decides which two teams play for the national championship. The problem arises when certain teams don’t play any difficult opponents and go undefeated, like Ohio State last year (which got completely blown out by Florida). Two conferences, the Pac-10 and the SEC stand far above all the other conferences in terms of football quality and because of this the best teams in each league occasionally lose a game. This year the SEC’s best team (LSU) and the Pac-10’s best team (USC, with ASU and Oregon also making a strong argument) each have one loss. Ohio State (Big-10) and Boston College (ACC) play in pathetically weak leagues and have gone undefeated because they haven’t faced a real challenge this year. If Ohio State, the number one team in the country supposedly, played in the Pac-10 it would be lucky to be 4-3 right now. Michigan, that sorry team that got beat by a Division 2 school to start the year and crushed 39-7 by Oregon, is undefeated in the Big-10.

If Ohio State and Boston College play for the national championship, I don’t think I’m even going to bother watching it. We really need to get a playoff system set up in place for college football, so that the best team in the country proves it on the field, not by playing a bunch of crummy teams.