Joel is currently a Spendthrift Bastard

I usually try and save a good chunk of my income every month and have been good about it through my first 10 months of unemployment. However, over the last 4 months, I have not been paying enough attention to my financial situation and after inspecting my bank statements I have discovered I have over a thousand dollars less today than I did two months ago.… read more “Joel is currently a Spendthrift Bastard”

Crazy Dreams

I had the weirdest dreams last night.

I dreamed I was a marine biologist in some absolutely crazy aquarium with fish and sharks I invented in my own head. There was one fish that was 20 tons and just looked like a big bit of gray dough and kept almost squishing me… and Freud would’ve had a field day with this one- there was a shark that if you were in his tank, he would show his domination over you by putting your head in his mouth, but not biting down and then squirting sperm on you and there were a bunch of little sharks that gnawed on your fingers like lapdogs but didn’t do any real damage.

Joel: Homemaker

My grandma and I today went shopping and bought a ton of new furnishings for my apartment. I almost never buy new, I usually go hunting through thrift stores for all of my needs. However, this time I was able to get some good Memorial Day deals, so I bought:

-A big, white microwave,
-A “Torchiere” (fancy lamp)
-A vial of crack cocaine for my homeless buddies
-An upright vaccuum for cleaning my 20 sq ft of floor
-2 sets of dishes (one of which is broken and I have to return)
-A complete set of nice pots and pans
-A knife set, so I can stab myself
-A blow up doll for “companionship”
-A rug for my bathroom floor
-A cutesy fish for holding my toothbrushes

I am starting to feel like Edward Norton in Fight Club.… read more “Joel: Homemaker”

Mating Ostriches

I was bored and so I watched a show on Animal Planet about ostriches mating. Male ostriches fluff out their wings and feathers and do weird dances for the females for sometimes days on end to convince the female to mate. When the female is ready, she sits on the ground in a weird way and the male runs over and flops down on her back.… read more “Mating Ostriches”