Joel Upgrades the Batcave

I went to Ikea over the weekend with Melanie and she helped me select a new table for my apartment (though I violated her advice and purchased Ikea art because it was cheap). I decided to take a break from my slave labor station (see picture below) to put together my table and clean up my apartment.


Ikea gives you their furniture in skinny little boxes that will fit in your car, however this means that you have to put it together.


I am not much for following directions, but Ikea made their instructions sheet so simple a caveman could do it (yeah, you heard me, I just ripped that joke off of Geico). Note my delicate surgical tool and thoughtful expression below.


In case you’re wondering, I believe that a man should not have to wear anything besides boxers when he is in his own abode. Still want to come visit me?

I completed my little dining table.


Look at how far the wings come out. Now I can serve 2.4 people instead of 1.6!!!


After putting together my table, I was starting to feel motivated. I straightened up the rest of my apartment and hung up the new Ikea art I had gotten on the walls, put light bulbs in my ultra fancy torchiere, and broke out my vacuum for the first time. Look carefully, this is the only time you will ever see my bed made.


My first great work of art from Ikea is hanging in the middle of the wall in the picture below. Below it and slightly to the right, you can see my sweet lover Charles Shaw, his twelve big guns and his six crystal stemmed friends on top.


Look at how damned purty my kitchen is! I even have a little fruit bowl thingamajigger. And paper towels.


My second and final piece of Ikea art can be seen below in the center of the picture on the wall. You can see how I stuck the table I made in the little nook under the bar by the couch. The torchiere is on the right. How pleasant.


Laundry room was where I stuffed all my messy crap for cleaning. I learned that technique when I was 3.


My bathroom. And my sexy abs. Ladies, appreciate.


Now that I have the Batcave fully prepared, all I need now is a sweet little lady to come live here and keep it clean. I am looking for someone who is humble, kind and pretty. She needs to be able to take heavy verbal abuse along with occasional blows to the head. If you look like the gorg..ed woman below, you can apply by sending the following: a lock of your hair (not pubic), $17 and photos of your emotional scars.


MmmmmM, mm. Ain’t she a sweetheart?

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Joel Gross

Joel Gross is the CEO of Coalition Technologies.

6 thoughts on “Joel Upgrades the Batcave”

  1. a) those aren’t your abs, it’s just a well-shadowed belly
    b) that is the ugliest goddamn art I’ve ever seen and when i get the opportunity i’m breaking into your apartment and burning it.
    c) I hate your art.

  2. Hello Joel!

    My name is Sandy, and I am a producer at Home and Garden TV. Better known as HGTV.

    Here at HGTV we are interested in allowing people to express themselves through their living spaces. Your name and your room were forwarded to us by your sibling, Jordan. He suggested that we look into you as a potential candidate for a new show we are creating.

    It’s called “Design for Stingy White Bachelors”, and you seem to be the perfect fit.

    Here’s what we need from you. $200 and a little bit of time in your studio. We have another show called “Design on a Dime” where we redecorate for people, but it requires $1000 in funding. This newer show accommodates for the even poorer, or even cheaper, bastards out there. You know, people who make XX,000 a year, are single, and have very little cost of living expenses. People who still buy “Two buck Chuck” even though they aren’t in a fraternity, or who would rather buy art at Ikea rather than paying a few dollars extra and making their own digital photographs.

    If you are interested, please contact us!

    Sandy Bottoms

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