Best of Deep Thoughts By Jack Handy

Jack Handy is a not-so-famous comedian who’s surrealistic one liner jokes entitled “Deep Thoughts” were made much more famous than he ever was by the television show Saturday Night Live. Born in Texas in 1949, Jack Handy had his first book published by National Lampoon in 1984. Jack Handy is still alive and lives with his wife in New Mexico… meaning that when passes on, I will be forced to hold a Jack Handy Memorial Party. Actually that sounds super fun, perhaps I should hold it sooner… hmmmm.

1 I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I’d just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. Joke from Jack Handy
2 Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny. Joke from Jack Handy
3 Instead of having “answers” on a math test, they should just call them “impressions,” and if you got a different “impression,” so what, can’t we all be brothers? Joke from Jack Handy
4 I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching. Joke from Jack Handy
5 As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. Joke from Jack Handy
6 If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, “Probably because of something you did.” Joke from Jack Handy
7 To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. Joke from Jack Handy
8 Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? Joke from Jack Handy
9 I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. Joke from Jack Handy
10 If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you’re serious about adopting the vulture. Joke from Jack Handy
11 I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him. Joke from Jack Handy
12 I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it. Joke from Jack Handy
13 I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex. Joke from Jack Handy
14 One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but decided to go home instead. Joke from Jack Handy
15 If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now. Joke from Jack Handy
16 If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. Joke from Jack Handy
17 If you go to a costume party at your boss’s house, wouldn’t you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss’s wife? Trust me, it’s not. Joke from Jack Handy

Jack Handy seems to be quite the good jokester. Apparently he has also published a series of articles in the New Yorker and several books. I plan to look them up and read them.

Published by

Joel Gross

Joel Gross is the CEO of Coalition Technologies.