Joel: Homemaker

My grandma and I today went shopping and bought a ton of new furnishings for my apartment. I almost never buy new, I usually go hunting through thrift stores for all of my needs. However, this time I was able to get some good Memorial Day deals, so I bought:

-A big, white microwave,
-A “Torchiere” (fancy lamp)
-A vial of crack cocaine for my homeless buddies
-An upright vaccuum for cleaning my 20 sq ft of floor
-2 sets of dishes (one of which is broken and I have to return)
-A complete set of nice pots and pans
-A knife set, so I can stab myself
-A blow up doll for “companionship”
-A rug for my bathroom floor
-A cutesy fish for holding my toothbrushes

I am starting to feel like Edward Norton in Fight Club. My apartment looks like an Ikea catalogue. Maybe I should blow it up.

I have too many possessions, they are weighing me down. I don’t feel like a free little butterfly anymore. I have 2 enormous TVs (Who wants to buy one?), a mini-fridge, 2 computers, an ancient bed, a solid couch (thanks Melanie Dies), skis, tons of clothing, a broken bicycle (see my earlier post to view my accompanying smashed face), and a ottoman. I should quit my job, give away all my stuff except my bike and my big hiking backpack and go for a ride to the southern tip of South America.

“Poo Goatee”

Yesterday, my purty smile took a hit.

I rode my bike to Rachelle’s house and had a nice dinner of salmon salad and wine. At around 5:30ish, I was riding my bike back home to meet a friend. As I was cruising down 3rd street downtown, my bike chain suddenly locked up and the next thing I knew I was lying on my face in the street. I laid there for a couple of seconds in shock, then started to wiggle body parts one by one. When I discovered that everything was still fully operational I hopped to my feet and surveyed the situation.

I heard a drizzling sound and looked down and realized my chin had been cut open pretty bad was leaking blood all over the street. Some kind gentleman stopped and gave me a first aid kit, which I used to cover up my chin temporarily. I felt something hard in my mouth and poked it out with my tongue and realized that I had lost half of a rear molar when I faceplanted on the asphalt with my chin. I pulled it out and stuck it in my pocket. Interestingly enough nothing really hurt, I was just pissed off. My bicycles frame and handlebars got mangled pretty good too.

I started calling friends to see if there was anyone who could give me a ride home. Rachelle was shopping with her brother and they didn’t think they could fit my bike in their car, Fletch was in Packwood and the few others I called didn’t pick up. So I started to try to hail a cab.

Apparently cabbies are afraid of helping bloody people, because I must’ve had twenty cabs drive by with the drivers shaking their heads before one finally stopped. It’s helpful to be reminded sometimes that you can only rely on yourself lol.

When I got home, I took my first look at my chin in the mirror. I had a little second mouth hanging open. Before my friend arrived a half hour later, I took some pretty pictures. The gash was about an inch deep, but the bleeding had mostly stopped up. All the pictures are from before I went to the ER, except for the last two with the shiny antibiotic shit on my face. The little white thing on the counter is the broken part of my tooth. I had to get a tetanus shot too.
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My very kind friend drove me to the ER and laughed and joked with me the whole way there and kept me giggling the whole time they put in all the stitches. I owe her a huge favor. By far the best time I’ve ever had with doctors around… even the doctor stitching me up kept laughing. Good times.

Damage report: I now have 3 deep-tissue stitches holding the inside of the wound together and 7 stitches on the top. My tooth has a temporary cap on it and I’m going to have to visit my orthodontist ASAP. The doctor said I’m going to have a pretty gnarly scar under my chin.

Some of the best ER jokes:

Me: “Want to make out with my second mouth?

Friend: “I’m glad we can keep you in stitches!”

Me as the doctor sprayed saline solution on the laceration and some got in my face: “It’s like a day at the beach!”

Friend to doc: “Will he still be as pretty as before?” Doc: “No”

Mating Ostriches

I was bored and so I watched a show on Animal Planet about ostriches mating. Male ostriches fluff out their wings and feathers and do weird dances for the females for sometimes days on end to convince the female to mate. When the female is ready, she sits on the ground in a weird way and the male runs over and flops down on her back. I watched it happen a few times, but still didn’t get how the anatomy worked. I couldn’t even see if the ostrich had a dick. Television is a shitty educator.

The whole process reminded me of humans in a pretty funny way. Males have to jump through a bunch of seemingly pointless hoops to spread their seed. Sports, dancing, money, looks, cars, intellectual fervor, muscles, clothing, personality, homes… all aimed at demonstrating what a great mate the male can be.

When two male ostriches hunted a female at the same time, they would hoot at each other and shake their flightless wings to try to frighten away the other. Occasionally, they battle, leaving one ostrich badly maimed. C’mon guys, human men have figured this out. Bros before hos. No need to kill for a few short minutes of fun. But biology’s a bitch. Damned hormones.

Ever thought of killing yourself?

You probably should! Find out here.
Don’t do something stereotypical, like shoot yourself in the head, OD on painkillers or hang yourself. Be creative and really show what a unique individual you are. You finally have your chance to show all those automatons out there that you aren’t just some trench coat wearing freak who can’t get laid or girl with severe emotional problems and a taste for meth, but have something really meaningful to contribute to our sad little world. Here are my top 11 most recommended methodologies:

1. Go to the zoo and go to the lion cage. There will be several beasts eyeing you. Pick out the biggest one and try to kill him with your bare hands. If you walk out of the cage, Sampson, you will have a new appreciation for life. Ballsiness rating: 10

2. Death by boredom. Videotape your bosses giving a motivational lecture, lock yourself in a with a bulletproof window and put a TV on the other side with the video on loop. In less than a day you’ll have rammed your head into the wall enough times to have died of brain hemmoraghing. Ballsiness rating: 3
3. Try to spell hemorrhaging correctly. It’ll cause brain implosion. Ballsiness rating 2

4. Road rage. Wait till “Pacman” Jones (ghetto NFL corner who’s homies shot up a bouncer in Vegas) decides to roll out in his pimped out black Escalade. Drive your little Ford Contour up right behind him and lay on the horn till he pulls over. When he does, get your golf club out of your back seat and start smashing windows. His crew will blow you away. Ballsiness rating: 6

5. Buy a kiddie water pistol, paint it black and wait for the president to come visit a city near yours. Charge said president and wait for the Secret Service to lay some good ol’ fashioned Homeland Security on your ass. Ballsiness rating 7

6. Find a tube of superglue and seal all bodily orifices. Wait for a bit. Explode. Ballsiness rating: 8

7. Want to be the coolest guy ever? Strangle yourself with your own hands. It supposedly is medically impossible, so if you pull it off you’ll be a hero. Fail and you will be too brain damaged to care. Ballsiness rating: 10

8. Get AIDs. Sleep with as many hookers as you can till dead. Ballsiness rating: 9

9. Spaceshuttle disaster. Work your ass for the next ten years, earn a spot on a space shuttle as an astronaut. Remove a heating tile just before liftoff. Wait for thousands of gallons of fuel to incinerate you. Ballsiness rating: 3

10. Get really, really, really high. Who says marijuana doesn’t kill? You show ’em. You’ve been trying your whole life anyways, dumbass. Ballsiness rating: 2

11. Read yet another shitty top 10 list and let the insanity set in and try to tear your brain out with your fingers. Ballsiness rating: 10

If you have anything to add, feel free to do so in the comments!

Math says you are in the Matrix

I read an interesting theory that claims that there is a near mathematical certainty that you are a computer simulation. Many scientists believe that computing power, based on current trends of increases in processing power, in 50 years we will have a computer capable of running simulations of an entire virtual world inhabited by virtual people with fully developed virtual nervous systems. These people would still have thoughts, feelings and everything else that makes us human except that instead of having their mental software run on flesh and blood, it would run on computer circuitry. Once this technology exists, people could run potentially millions of simulations of various virtual worlds, with trillions of inhabitants. The odds of you being one of the few billions of “real” people would be infinitely small. Therefore, we are most likely in a computer simulation at this moment. However, this shouldn’t change the way you live your life. Your feelings and thoughts and the other people around you are just as real to you as they ever were. What does it matter if you were created by God, evolutionary biology or an advanced computer geek with lots of extra time?

Holy Shinolie

The Bush Administration is debating labelling Iran’s Revolutionary Guard Corps a terrorist organization. The war on terror is ridiculous bullshit.. you can’t have war on a tactic. I think our government is finally starting to admit that this war is more about religion than anything else. I thought terrorists were people who use violence and fear to create mayhem and achieve their objectives while disguised as civilians. The Iranian Revolutionary Guards is a major branch of the Iranian military, not at all a small organization that hides and creates fear. By definition, they are no more terrorists than the Green Berets are terrorists. This news coupled with the hard push by certain officials in the Bush Administration to go to war with Iran, as well as our new nuclear first strike policy is beginning to create a very frightening world.