Moving AGAIN! I hate my life

I had a barbecue for the 4th of July and a friend of a friend apparently had difficulties working in the world around him and walked through the screen door, breaking it. The next day my roommate, Brent, asked me to move out. Brent told me he wants me to move out because he is dating a “celebrity” who doesn’t want to be seen and gave me a couple of hints as to who the guy is. I’m not sure if I have to go because of the screen door or the “celebrity”, but either way I’m supposed to be out soon. It really blows since I have only lived there for about a month and a half, but I have no lease so I have no recourse. Brent and I had almost nothing in common anyways. Oh well. Now I have to decide whether or not to find a new job and if I stay with Visible, where should I live? Do I want roommates?

Anybody want to buy Chuck Norris Action Jeans? Guaranteed to make you kick ass.

Prince Charles REALLY enjoys visiting his troops!

Aaaaaaaaaand….have a happy Friday!

Climbing to Camp Muir (base camp on Mt. Rainier)

Friday Fletcher sent me a message and asked if I wanted to climb up to Camp Muir the next day. I have been wanting to go up there for a while so I told him yes. We drove down to my grandparents house the night before and got up very early in the morning and drove up to Ashford, where we met our other friend, Adam.

We started the actual climb at 8 am and went up. It was a perfect day: perfect blue sky, picturesque landscape and warm temperature. I have pictures of the Camp Muir climb. Fletcher is the one in the red shirt and Adam is theguy with the skis attached to his pack.

Camp Muir is not too tough a climb, though you will be a little bit sore the next day. The base camp on Mount Rainier is 9 miles and a 4600 foot elevation gain and takes around 6 or 7 hours round trip.

The route itself up to Camp Muir is simple; just follow the giant line of people ahead of you! Basically, you go up the paved Skyline Trail 2.3 miles till you get to the Muir snowfield where you basically hike up a fairly steep hill through deep snow. Camp Muir itself is made up of a climbers shack, a stone hut for rangers and a few smelly outhouses. Camp Muir is used as the jumping off point for an actual climb of Rainier since it is so high- 10,000 feet. I may eventually do Rainier itself… maybe next year.

Mechanics are the slime of the earth

I just had to spend $1218 to get my piece of shit ’99 Ford Contour fixed. My junkyard-on-wheels COST me $2800 3 years ago. The Kelley Blue Book value on it right now is $2,465. I spent half of what the damn thing is worth fixing it!

On my ride home, I got to thinking about what I could have bought instead with my $1200:

-120 pounds of beef jerky. Aaaaarrr!

-A bottle of fine Johnny Walker Blue scotch, an 8-ball of uncut cocaine and the best fucking hooker in Seattle. What an night I missed out on.

-A 42 inch plasma HDTV. Football season would’ve been heavenly.

-800 6-pack packages of Pez. I would probably then owe my orthodontist a fortune though.

-400 bottles of the king of wines: 3 Buck Chuck. I could’ve had a bottle of wine a night for over a year!!!

-$20,000. Or $0. After I bet it all on 7 black at the Muckleshoot Indian Casino.

What did I get instead of the treasures I listed above?

-Front brakes & rotors repaired.

-Back brakes changed.

-Oil changed.

-Spark plugs replaced.

-Starter replaced.

-Fisted by Fucking Firestone & Friends. Les Schwab joined in for 3-some action.

Want to know what it’s like having 3 younger brothers?

I am going to allow my select few readers a glimpse into the magical world of brotherhood. Below is a recent email conversation my brothers and I have had that shows how some of the interactions play out: they are 3 parts humor, 1 part competition, 3 parts bullshit and one hell of a lot of love.

I sent a link to a story in the NYTimes about how the eldest child typically has an IQ several points higher than his younger siblings with the subject line “Important breakthrough in research” to Jordan and Justin (I don’t have Josh’s email address).

Here is Justin’s reply:

1.) you have too much time on your hands

2.) we aren’t 100% genetically related

3.) I’m not the one kissing a dike who looks like a man and probably is a man

4.) you weren’t living at home with Jordan and I for a number of years…Jordan probably played more of a teacher role in josh & I’s lives.

5.) the last think I let you try to teach me was how to drink responsibly…we all know how well that worked out.

6.) Love justin

Below is Jordan’s reply to the string:

I agree with Justin’s analysis.

1. You do have too much time on your hands.

2. Genetically, I’m the oldest pure brother.

3. I am the teacher.

And you all need me.

Finally, this was my reply to them. I realize it may sound completely ridiculous to outsiders, but it’s the way we interact- lots of tongue-in-cheek humor, wildly outsized cockiness and making fucked up jokes about our dysfunctional family:

Sadly, it looks like you to bear out the research one again with your poorly formed logic. My massive IQ carries me through life with ease and you, my depressing brothers, must struggle to understand the smallest occurrences around you. I am incredibly talented at everything from business to women to philosophy to drinking to modern technology. Sheer domination in every area has marked my path through this world. Justin, you of the feeble mind, are merely not capable of handling the rigors of my alcohol teachings. You failed that test, much like you failed math. Am I to blame if I taught myself AP Calculus, yet your malformed brain can’t do basic algebra? Jordan, as to your claims that you are the oldest pure brother, nothing has been proven. It is still highly likely that I have Randall Gross’s genes in me. It is also just as likely that mom didn’t clean up her whorish act after my birth and you guys are all my pure brothers- from the ball sac of Bruce Eide or some other man. I know all of these facts never entered your head while you were hunting and pecking at the keyboard to send your initial email, but I think I have presented them plainly enough.

Please do not respond to my email with your idle words and incomplete thoughts; they do not faze me. Instead, show me that you are my better through your ACTIONS. Don’t be a Randy Gross or a Linda O’tyson and make a lot of claims that are simply untrue. Overcome your IQ limitations and make an effort to accomplish more than I have. Learn how to land beautiful lady after beautiful lady (and not get completely owned by her, Justin), learn to make more money than me, found a successful business, move to the big city, learn to drink, break the strings of mommy and daddy and move away on your own, bench 300 pounds, beat me at chess, beat me at scrabble, beat me at football, beat me at sexual prowess, beat me at anything worthwhile. Go out and fucking achieve!

Yours Truly,

Joel

Pimp Fucking Daddy.

We are completely ridiculous, but we entertain ourselves to no end.

Interior Design Biz

The woman I’ve been dating for the last few weeks, Melanie, is now starting her own interior design business! I like to think that I prodded her in that direction, but she already was contemplating how to do it. She is an excellent interior designer, but works for a firm that doesn’t appreciate what she does. I am trying to help by giving business advice and setting up her website, but she just started 3 days ago and already has 2 clients! Watching her is giving me renewed passion for working on my own business.

She had initially offered me a 1/3 stake in the business for helping with the biz side of things, but I turned it down citing the issues that would arise if we broke up… Later, I i rethought my position and decided it would be okay and mentioned perhaps bringing me in… but she repeated my dating issues back at me lol. Hopefully she’ll remember me when she’s a millionaire ;).

Coug Attack

By Joel Gross

Seattle, WA (REUTERS)- Around 8 PM (PST) yesterday evening, locals started calling in reports of a coug attack. The coug, 36, was sighted stalking young, innocent prey at Stix on Eastlake. The large female had her eyes on a man, 25, named Mbwana. After several beers, she was overheard saying such comments as, “I’m allergic to alcohol… it makes my clit vibrate” and “I masturbate in my car on the way to work” and “I’ll show you where you can put your stick”.

Mbwana managed to escape without injuries after a desperate fight to stop her drunken attempts to give him a lapdance and rub his legs. Observers helped pull the coug off of him and then the rescuers themselves were assaulted. The rescuers, a man and his girlfriend, were able to pacify the wild coug long enough to call a cab and send her off home.

Dr. Laurence Hughes, a coug expert, said the coug had probably been couped up for a long time and when she finally got some freedom, she went a little crazy. According to Hughes, in order to avoid setting off a coug people should not make eye contact or have sexually suggestive conversations. Hughes commented, “Coug attacks are dangerous and scary at times, especially when alcohol is involved.”

The incident yesterday was the third coug attack in Seattle during the month of June.